Day one I felt like I was a little figurine standing in a little snow globe... and along came a crazy kid who shook the crap out of it. There I was standing stunned in the middle of it, with all this stuff flying around.
I watched it unfold at the center. I could see the concern in their faces as they scurried about, and made me their priority. They looked at me like a lost puppy dog. It was pathetic really. But it didn't seem real. I didn't want to believe it, but I knew... I just knew. Part of me wasn't really sure what it was--- a bad dream perhaps, a really intense novel that I reading that stirred up my wild imagination... Nope. It was my new life. And it came out of no where. And I have no idea what to do with it. I guess I am figuring it out.
It's amazing how wild the range of emotions is. One minute, I feel like I can't function. One minute, I realize that I have much to be joyful about. One minute, I am scared out of my mind. One minute, I am pissed that it's me that gets this cross to carry. One minute, I feel blessed because I know everything leading up to this has prepared me for this fight. One minute, I feel like I am superwoman and am going to fix this for me and everyone else. One minute, I wish it would all go away. One minute, I believe that it will. One minute, I feel like my heart is breaking. One minute, it's bursting with love and pride that I have the most amazing support group, most loving husband, most beautiful family (which includes my friends) and most precious child. One minute, I know I have to fight like I have never fought. One minute, I am terrified. One minute, I am ready to knock it out of the park.
It's almost like the diagnosis should come with a multiple personality diagnosis as well. Maybe that's just the psych major in me talking. Why oh why didn't I take that class where they tell you how to cope with catastrophic news?