In the last week and a half, it has felt like I am living in an alternate universe. A lot of things are familiar to me, but it's still all feels weird and new.
Yesterday, I decided I wanted to test a few things out. I tried listening to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Random yes, but it has some of the most fun music around. And guess what. It still makes me smile. Score! Try it if you are feeling down. If there was song or a cd that made you smile in the past, it will still do so. Trust me. Oh and it's even better if you find a song that my son likes because he might sing it to you. If that doesn't make you smile, well then you have it worse than I do and I feel sorry for you.
I went to the park this evening with my son and husband. I can still run around like a kid, and my butt still knows how to slide down a slide. Ok, that's a good sign too. And I even tripped once or twice for good measure.
These are two little things, but they are important nonetheless. Sometimes the little things are even more important than the big things. They are still more glimpses that connect me to NBC (for those who haven't read the old posts, NBC is "nicole before cancer"). There are some more tests that I still need to try. I definitely need to go to our favorite restaurant Jules and have my usual. There may be a few others.
I also look forward to a day when my body and diagnosis is not on my mind incessantly. Will that ever happen? My ability to think clearly is not really strong because thoughts that fall out of the realm of cancer don't stand a chance right now. All of my energy and thoughts are there. I know most of my friends are family are pretty consumed as well. I know it will never be completely gone from my thoughts, but it would be nice to be able to have maybe a moment alone without cancerous thoughts.
Although having a little boy, I should be used to no privacy EVER! I rarely even get a chance to use the bathroom interrupted. I often see little fingers trying to get under the door followed by that precious little voice saying, "mommy, what are you doing?" Maybe that's just another reason why he is here and helping me. He prepped me for the concept of never having a moment to myself. Although being interrupted by that cute little face is much more pleasant than by fear, questions, thoughts of a hairless me. Ugh.
But I refuse to get mad about all of this. First of all, I know my brothers and Steve had done enough of that for me. Thanks guys, one thing I can check off my to do list. Second of all, I do believe this was a path I was meant to walk. And I pray that it is a path I can walk for many many years. In some strange ways, this diagnosis has been the most amazing thing that has come my way. I am seeing love and generosity being poured out in such unbelievable ways and even from some unexpected sources. I am learning much about volunteering by being a recipient, that perhaps I will walk away from this with a new calling. The survivors in my life (you all know who you are) have been truly inspirational and are constantly giving me hope. You have lifted me up in a unique way. Maybe I someday will be a survivor who can give others hope and comfort! Now that would be amazing and a blessing for me. And that's just one more reason to fight the fight: to be a woman for others.
Life's not perfect, but it's still good. Even with cancer. Now that's a shocker!