Sunday, May 8, 2011

nothing to fear but fear itself... or something

First of all, I cannot thank all of you my support group for the love, prayers, offers of food and child care, jokes, smiles, tears and more food. Guess what folks, my appetite is back... maybe that's not such a good thing. ;-)

Here's the deal. I am afraid. I can't lie. But I can't let fear defeat me. It's that whole "defeat is not an option" thing. Maybe I should join Charlie Sheen on tour... Although I don't think I want his brand of #winning!

For everyone who has yelled at me (there have been several of you) and told me it's ok to be weak some times and it's ok to cry, fear not. It happens. Just not all out in the open. I always remember my grandmother (get used to hearing about Mil folks! I am going to channel her a lot during this process) saying that people thought she didn't grieve, but no one knows what she does behind closed doors. I understood it then. I live it now.

I do cry. I do get mad. I do get terrified. I do shake. but I also pull myself together because I am stronger that this disease. I get tired of being strong sometimes. So I let the dam break, I let the  yuckiness flood out... and then like when the Nile would flood, I allow goodness to grow when the flood finally passes. (and by the way, if that didn't really happen with the Nile, don't tell me.  I might not have my facts straight, but you get the concept) It's like Easter, spring, and all things renewal. God knows what he's doing. I have always believed that. I still do. and I believe he has set me up for success here. It's just for me to charge at and make happen.

And one more thing... I used to think Mondays sucked... boy do I ever long for the mondays where my biggest nemesis was rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, and having to remember what to pack for lunch. This Monday means driving to North Jersey (go ahead... I know some of you are chuckling that I am yet again driving UP THE PARKWAY), to meet with people who are going to slice and dice me soon. How does one make that decision anyway? I know how to interview a good project manager or admin... I have no idea how to interview for one's scalpel skills. Thank God I have an expert who allows me to drag her with me to quiz doctors.

Here's the schedule folks because many are asking: 2 surgeons tomorrow. Genetic testing on tuesday (which helps determine the variety of the C, and therefore gives better insight on course of action.)... I believe there are more tests to come and more surgeons to meet before a decision is made. Then on to surgery. I will try to keep this updated so folks can stay "ABREAST" of the action. hehehehe... Forgive the pun... my sense of humor is in a odd way this week. Just ask the maker of the Mounds bar! Ok, I'll stop now. ;-)

Keep the prayers coming folks. I appreciate every bit of it.

1 comment:

  1. Love you. And if you're in my neck of the woods, call me. I'll make you lunch. :o)