I watched my little boy playing today. He's so vibrant, feisty, spirited and just so damn cute. I felt various waves wash over me as he ran around, laughing and carefree. I felt waves of pride to be partially responsible for someone so precious (Steve gets 50% credit too). I felt waves of sadness because I worry how much of his life I will get to see. And then I felt waves of determination. I cannot let this stupid disease defeat me. My son deserves better than that. He deserves to have his mommy and daddy right there all the way encouraging him as he grows into the amazing man he is destined to be. I refuse to let cancer take that from him. Or from me.
He makes my heart sing. His silliness, the fact that he thinks he's much bigger than he is, his rough and tumble ways. He's an angel sent from heaven to keep pushing me to succeed. His smile is like the sun warming my soul. It overpowers the shadows that cancer tries to cast, tossing a bright, warm light in every corner.
I don't know what he will grow up to be, but I know he will be great in whatever his chosen path. He has too much beautiful spirit to not be. Perhaps he will be a doctor who will cure people like me. Or a sports star, as he showed his fearless spirit today, tackling boys twice his age and size. Or a song writer, as he makes up his own little ditties and sings them for me now. Whatever it is, he is destined for greatness. And I am destined to be his biggest fan.
Screw you cancer. You will not defeat me!!! I am going to win and watch my boy conquer all he sets his heart to and I am going to give him the example of a lifetime. I am going to teach him to pick your battles, but when you do pick 'em, you stack the deck and you charge like hell until you win. Sometimes I feel sad for him that his mommy has cancer. But he doesn't know any better, and like someone once told me, he's going to thrive from the experience. He's learning compassion and kindness. He's going to learn determination and hard work. He's going to learn faith. He will come out even more amazing. He has to because he's our boy. He's our one shot at this, and we are going to see to it. I cannot wait to see what the future has in store for us.
Please keep the prayers coming. I continue to need them. Faith has been so critical to me. Poor God, if he isn't sick of me yet, that in and of itself will be a miracle.
One other side note directed at someone so very special in my life. Stop being so sad whenever we part. We will have lots of partings in the future because I am not going anywhere, ok? You are stuck with me. I have a job to do. I have to pick out your lot in the 55 and older development, and I have a lot of years before I can do that. So smile for me. No more frowns ok? Love you!