It just does. There are no two ways about it. It messes with your mind like nothing else in the world can. It can make you feel limited, scared, vulnerable. It's amazing how powerful it can be. It's so important to fight back because if you don't, it will consume your mind, dragging you under.
I learned a family member is in the advanced stages of the disease yesterday. Talk about a kick in the gut. My heart bleeds for those closest to him, more keenly aware of how cancer must be gripping their hearts and souls right now. They are all in my prayers, although I am not sure what to ask for on their behalf. My best guess is strength and some sort of peace.
Selfishly, it makes me reflect on my situation and scares the crap out of me. No one should have to hear the words "cancer" because when you hear that word, a light switch goes on in your head, and I haven't yet found the switch to turn it back off. It's like an annoying beeping sound or a jackhammer. It's this "noise" that is just disruptive and irritating, grating at your insides.
I did do something this morning. I looked at the calendar for "the wellness community". My oncologist highly recommends it, and I intend on participating in their workshops and classes. My soul was feeling lost in the middle of the night, but then when I looked on their site and saw the programs, I realized how normal I am. One of the classes next week is "managing worry effectively". Holy cow! How did they know? Oh right, I am not the only person in the world who has gone through this. I am only one of 2.5 million alive right now with cancer. I guess that's a decent enough sample size to get an idea of how this affects people.
I just wish I could keep my head above emotional water all the time. I know it's normal to feel the emotions I feel, but I hate it because it's not me. I want to get back to being me. I think I will feel better when I am at the next stage of treatment. The sitting around healing thing is a bit slow paced for me. I want to get that chemo in and flowing and killing every last stupid cancer cell in my body. I read recently that it's important to focus on what cancer does for you, rather than what it does to you. Someone remind me of this in a month or so when I am crying over lost hair and feeling like shit, ok?
I am looking forward to seeing Dr. Ray tomorrow (my oncologist). She has a way of making me feel more confident. I guess it's just the nature of what she does. It's like she holds the antidote to this beast. I want to euthanize cancer... No, that's too gentle, I want to poison the hell out of it! Beast be gone!
Having been up for the last two hours, I hope to get some more sleep this morning. But cancer or not, I am still a mommy. Ten bucks says the minute I drift off is when my precious, crazy child will wake up and start yelling for me.