Tuesday, August 16, 2011

volumizing? I think not.

It's amazing to me how well-studied my cancer is. The treatment protocol is practically routine. And of course, it's also reassuring how well my medical team knows what to expect and has prepared me for each passing hurdle.  

For example, they knew to the day when the major hair loss wave would hit. Before I even started chemo, my nurse told me today would be the day. She was right. I was fairly ready for it to happen. First of all, as it was starting to loosen up, it hurt! She warned me of that too, and she was right. It was horribly uncomfortable for the past few days. It feels so much better now. While this might sound twisted, I was cracking up in the shower today. I found it wildly ironic when I realized the shampoo I was using to help scrub out my short pathetic hair from my scalp was a "volumizing" formula. I was literally laughing out loud at the ridiculousness of the moment. I thought about sending the company a picture and telling them I was going after them for false advertising! Could you imagine? Ok, I'm not that cruel, but the thought made me chuckle.

All joking aside, it was a bit of a tough pill to swallow. Having no hair makes me look sick. But that's why I have my hats and wig to cover that up. I just have to remember it's not the end of world. As it was all coming out and flowing down the drain, (sorry mom and dad, you might need draino) I just keep thinking "This is how you beat cancer. This is how you win". If it kills cancer cells the same way it attacked my hair, cancer doesn't stand a chance. I am finally starting to feel cancer-free. My mind is starting to believe that the demon is packing. As awful as chemo is, it's worth it. 

I'm not going to lie, chemo is hard. It's exhausting and demoralizing. I cried in the doctor's office yesterday for no other reason than because I just felt worn out and beat down. In that moment, I just didn't have the energy to be strong anymore. But that wave eventually passed, and life goes on. 

I have to repeatedly to get my head around how important it is to regroup and drive on. It's an uphill trek, but on the other side of that mountain is a gorgeous view and a beautiful life. So I keep on going, hard though it is, because I am a survivor and I don't have a choice but to win. I am a mom and a wife, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece and a best friend. I am doing this for all of them and more selfishly for me. I am determined to beat this and to continue to inspire others. In my mind, there is no other option. 


  1. You are absolutely beautiful, inside and out, and with or without hair. Thank you for the laugh...I needed it. Many blessings to you, and love and strength always. You are going to beat this demon; and this demon will be horribly sorry it ever messed with you. Hugs.

  2. God Bless you, Nicole. In the middle of all you are going through, you manage to make us all laugh! You are a beautiful, strong, Confident woman who will beat this!! All my love and prayers! Jennifer Carrolli

  3. Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, BUT WE EVEN BOAST OF OUR AFFLICTIONS, KNOWING THAT AFFLICTION PRODUCES ENDURANCE, AND ENDURANCE, PROVEN CHARACTER, AND PROVEN CHARACTER HOPE, AND HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT.
    Romans 5:1-5

    Keep telling your story Nicole - it gives us all hope!