Well, I did it. I took the plunge and buzzed my hair. As Jackie called it, "I embraced my inner GI Jane". Rather fitting for a girl in battle, a warrior in pink.
Carol came down this evening to do the deed for me. We both handled it well. I didn't cry until much later when I was taking a shower. Having so little hair for the shampoo stung my heart. It was one of the times where I really allowed myself to shut down the strength for a bit and just let the emotions pour forth. It was time to mourn the loss.
It's amazing the dichotomy of emotions that came along with tonight's activity. On one hand, I feel embarrassed and self-conscious. On the other hand, I feel empowered and like a goddess. I am angry and hurt that I am forced into this hair loss situation, yet I am proud of myself for taking the bull by the horns and not leaving it to happen on its own. This is truly one of the most devastating parts of cancer because it's the one that forces me out of anonymity and into the spotlight as a cancer patient. There is no denying it now.
There are a few interesting discoveries that come with having no hair. First off, I really look like my brother Frank. I had no idea, but I have his same head shape and hair line (well, at least for now until it all comes out). Secondly, my eyes are kind of cool. They can stand out on their own with their warm brown color, and don't need hair to bring them out. Thirdly, so far, my little ski cap is the currently the most comfy of my head covering choices. I need to stop crocheting that blanket and get to work on some cute little hats. And finally, I need some cute dangly earrings to help spruce things up a bit. Time for a little shopping I think.
In all honesty, this was one of the toughest hurdles emotionally to date. But I did it. Now it's time to move on and not look back.