This life has been thrown upside down.
I am still sick and today, it went into my ears. Right into a round of vertigo, which meant a day in bed. I have had this before, but because I've my new found "cancer patient" status, I know it that made it much more alarming for everyone. I completely understand why. But it sucks.
I am ok. I don't feel great, but this is no different than waves of this I have had before. The only difference is I have a child and a husband now, who suffer more when I am not 100%. And the fact that word spreads like wildfire because everyone is running scared.
I makes me sad that I am perceived as physically fragile now. That's not who I am or who I want to be.
This morning, I believe I have had a glimpse into what my chemo saturdays are going to look like. I don't like it. Not one bit. How do I stop others from being scared or sad? This is what I need to know. I know what is coming is going to freak people out. (including me of course) How to I minimize that? It complicates things so much more for me when I feel guilty for others' pain. I know it's not my fault, but I hate it. Despite how much people tell me not to feel bad or apologize, I can't help it.
Tonight, I am not at the birthday dinner of one of my favorite people in this world. It breaks my heart. The thing is, even though it has nothing to do with cancer, I blame cancer anyway.
I want a day when I am healthy again and no one worries. A day when everyone can see that I am normal, and all's well. Survivors and doctors tell me the day will come. However, living in the meantime is brutal.