Saturday, June 4, 2011

Will life ever feel normal again?

This life has been thrown upside down.

I am still sick and today, it went into my ears. Right into a round of vertigo, which meant a day in bed. I have had this before, but because I've my new found "cancer patient" status, I know it that made it much more alarming for everyone. I completely understand why. But it sucks.

I am ok. I don't feel great, but this is no different than waves of this I have had before. The only difference is I have a child and a husband now, who suffer more when I am not 100%. And the fact that word spreads like wildfire because everyone is running scared.

I makes me sad that I am perceived as physically fragile now. That's not who I am or who I want to be.

This morning, I believe I have had a glimpse into what my chemo saturdays are going to look like.  I don't like it. Not one bit. How do I stop others from being scared or sad? This is what I need to know. I know what is coming is going to freak people out. (including me of course) How to I minimize that? It complicates things so much more for me when I feel guilty for others' pain. I know it's not my fault, but I hate it. Despite how much people tell me not to feel bad or apologize, I can't help it.

Tonight, I am not at the birthday dinner of one of my favorite people in this world. It breaks my heart. The thing is, even though it has nothing to do with cancer, I blame cancer anyway.

I want a day when I am healthy again and no one worries. A day when everyone can see that I am normal, and all's well. Survivors and doctors tell me the day will come. However, living in the meantime is brutal.


  1. I feel your pain, and, while I don't know what you are going through with the cancer bit, or the vertigo bit, I know how it feels to be perceived as physically fragile-or needing someone to be overly protective of you. Remember, if you need to talk, yell, scream, cry-and yes, even use me as a punching bag; please do (OK, well maybe not the punching bag part)-but everything else I am up for........take care of yourself.

  2. Do you remember these words Nicole...

    "I am Mil & Carrie's granddaughter
    The spitting image of my father
    And when the day is done
    My momma's still my biggest fan
    I've got friends who love me
    And they know just where I stand
    It's all a part of me
    And that's who I am."

    And who you are is an inspiration to all of us.
    We will get through this.

    With Much Love & Pride,
    Your Momma

  3. You will feel normal I Know! Having vertigo is worse than anything. And believe my line I always said when everyone kept asking me, "how are you feeling". All I said is I'm fine, I'm not sick I just have cancer, we are lucky that they can cure us, you got it early. I hated the word cancer, didn't like to say it, was in denial. I called it my Breast Infection or BI. So they got rid of the infection and killed it with antibiotics, called chemo. And now I am good! Feel better and before you know it, you will feel normal again. It's only been a month, but feels like a lifetime!

  4. Vertigo sucks, sorry Aunt Jane, I had it went to work feeling fine started cutting hair, and won't say how that haircut came out. You will feel normal some day and be cured, thank God. You come from a strong breed of women. I love ya, feel better. I will try to visit you this week, have to feed your flowers and give you a hug.