You know, usually one looks forward to having time off from work. Not this time. I have one week of work left, and it's not even a full week at that considering I have the wake and funeral tomorrow and tuesday.
My boss and I talked about how we would catch up on Friday. He said we could plan to have everything at work taken care of while I was out so I could free my mind and focus on what matters right now. He said I could walk out on Friday and forget about the company for a while. Walk out with a clear head, and focus on what's coming.
While it is awesome for him to be so supportive, the truth of it is, I don't want to focus on that. I want to forget all about it. I don't want to let go of work because to me, it means thinking about things that I just don't want to think about. It means focusing on prepping for the surgery. As important as I know it is, I just am not looking forward to it. I am looking forward to them getting the cancer out, but I am not looking forward to what they have to do to make it happen.
I don't regret the decision I made to have the double mastectomy. Based on all of the docs, I know it is the best choice for me long term. It's just a sucky one to have to make. It was a no-brainer for me, but it freaks me out. I mean, think about it. I am going from cancer-boobs, to franken-boobs. Great... Neither is an optimal choice. I know in the end my reconstructive surgeon is going to do an amazing job. She is highly recommended and a perfectionist, which under the circumstances is exactly what I need.
I just wish I could wake up next monday and have the whole thing done. By that I mean the mastectomy, the chemo, the radiation, and the reconstruction. I'd love to wake up with my curly chemo hair back and my new perky boobs. However, there is a long and winding road that I will have to take to get to that end point. I guess this is the endurance test of the lifetime.
So many people have been so sweet in saying how I have been inspirational to them. Thank you! The funny thing is, all I have survived thus far is the diagnosis. Admittedly, that's no small feat. But there is a mountain ahead for me yet to climb. Pray for me to have strength persevere. I'm going to need it.