Sunday, June 12, 2011

one week and a wake up

You know, usually one looks forward to having time off from work. Not this time. I have one week of work left, and it's not even a full week at that considering I have the wake and funeral tomorrow and tuesday.

My boss and I talked about how we would catch up on Friday. He said we could plan to have everything at work taken care of while I was out so I could free my mind and focus on what matters right now. He said I could walk out on Friday and forget about the company for a while. Walk out with a clear head, and focus on what's coming.

While it is awesome for him to be so supportive, the truth of it is, I don't want to focus on that. I want to forget all about it. I don't want to let go of work because to me, it means thinking about things that I just don't want to think about. It means focusing on prepping for the surgery. As important as I know it is, I just am not looking forward to it. I am looking forward to them getting the cancer out, but I am not looking forward to what they have to do to make it happen.

I don't regret the decision I made to have the double mastectomy. Based on all of the docs, I know it is the best choice for me long term. It's just a sucky one to have to make. It was a no-brainer for me, but it freaks me out. I mean, think about it. I am going from cancer-boobs, to franken-boobs. Great... Neither is an optimal choice. I know in the end my reconstructive surgeon is going to do an amazing job. She is highly recommended and a perfectionist, which under the circumstances is exactly what I need.

I just wish I could wake up next monday and have the whole thing done. By that I mean the mastectomy, the chemo, the radiation, and the reconstruction. I'd love to wake up with my curly chemo hair back and my new perky boobs. However, there is a long and winding road that I will have to take to get to that end point. I guess this is the endurance test of the lifetime.

So many people have been so sweet in saying how I have been inspirational to them. Thank you! The funny thing is, all I have survived thus far is the diagnosis. Admittedly, that's no small feat. But there is a mountain ahead for me yet to climb. Pray for me to have strength persevere. I'm going to need it.


  1. surviving the diagnosis w/ such grace & courage is no small feat at all!!
    one wake up at a time, buddy. you can do this. love you.

  2. Well said Tammy - Nicole it is no small feat at all!! You have been inspirational to so many in your couragous and positive outlook. I also just read your blog about Plans... it makes me think of Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the Plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." You wrote so well we do make so many plans some good some not so wise but in the end we are always best off when we let go and let God have control of those plans. I am continuing to remember you in my prayers!! <3 Aunt Faith