Saturday, June 18, 2011

rides and waves

I expected to be freaking out much more by now. I sent Courtney a text when I left work yesterday, and said "I'm not freaking out yet. What's wrong with me?" I am more at peace with this than I expected to be. I guess it's because I finally feel I am going to beat this stupid thing, and I am feeling like there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Granted, there are a few more tunnels coming. I kind of see this whole ride like the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel thing. It's up in the sunshine and then down in the darkness a lot. At the end though, you end up closer to your destination.

Lately, there has been more serenity and sunshine than I expected. It's lovely really. I guess I am just at peace with my choice.

Spending the weekend with my boys (who are currently snoring in their respective beds) was the right move. I can't wait for treatment to be over to live again, I have to live my way through it. There's too much I would miss if I waited a year and a half to start enjoying it again.

The irony of the weekend thus far is the fact that the ride I enjoyed the most was the log flume... The roller coaster-like motion almost felt like home. I guess I have gotten used to it. The most beautiful part of it was after we went down the steepest part, my sweet boy looked at me with eyes as wide as saucers and said "WHOA!" and said it was so much fun. I have learned from him to embrace the entire ride: the ups and the downs.

The one bad thing about cancer (ok so there are more than one, but let's focus on this one for now) is that no matter where you go, it goes with you. Even out to the middle of God's country. Every once in a while, I get a wave of sadness, or doubt, but they are more like bay waves than ocean waves. I feel them lapping at my ankles so to speak, but they don't knock me over. They just remind me that they are there and then they roll on past.

The good news is, in less than 48 hours, it will no longer be with me. I will leave the cancer behind, and charge ahead to ensure it doesn't come back. I expect monday morning will be rough, but I gotta believe that it will be such a relief when I wake up that night knowing it's gone. I can't wait to post this: "me: 1 cancer: 0". How precious that will be!


  1. So proud of you Nicole... you ARE going to beat this and your optimism is totally infectious. Stay strong... I will be saying a few extra prayers for you on Monday. Looking forward to the good news afterwards. :-)

  2. Peace......soak in that feeling on Monday, because there will be many more Monday's after that! XOXOXO

  3. My thoughts and prayers, and tons of love are always with you-and especially, especially with you tomorrow. You ARE going to beat this; never a doubt. Looking forward to hearing the awesome news after. You'll do great. Love and prayers always.