You know, they say one of the symptoms of cancer is fatigue. Well, duh! Of course it is! It's such an emotional roller coaster, it drains the ever-loving energy right out of you. Thinking, crying, laughing, wondering, worrying, obsessing, I tell you, those are things that wipe you out. Then I think about the fact that I am exhausted now, but I haven't even gotten into the hard physical stuff yet.
I remember thinking that pregnancy, and the months that followed child birth were the most exhausting. I was wrong. This is different. It's amazing how consuming it is. It takes over ever thought, plan, dream, and places them under a cloud. I can't think about anything without somehow the cancer diagnosis being involved somehow.
Today was a down day for me. I don't know exactly why, but it was. Maybe I am going through doctor withdrawals. It's been a whole two days since I have seen a doctor. Feels kind of strange. and my next appointment isn't until tuesday. Gasp!
I am trying to mentally prepare myself for surgery. It's strange how there is practically a line running halfway through my soul. On the right half, there is the part of me that is charing ahead, fists clenched screaming "bring it on! Let's get this shit done!" (more salty language, especially for you, Kathy Allocco, because you like it so much!) On the left half, there is the side of me that is sad and scared. I am going to lose a part of me. Literally. And I don't like it one bit. I am not looking forward to being "frankenboobs" but there's nothing I can do to stop this train now. And of course, I know that it's best that I don't.
It's an odd feeling to be charging so hard at something that scares me so much. All I can do is close my eyes, jump and hope I land on my feet. I am sure I will, but sometimes, it just doesn't feel that way. I wish I could wake up and have it be two years from now, cancer-free, with my new and improved (and nicely reconstructed) self.