Friday, June 3, 2011

just plain exhausting

You know, they say one of the symptoms of cancer is fatigue. Well, duh! Of course it is! It's such an emotional roller coaster, it drains the ever-loving energy right out of you. Thinking, crying, laughing, wondering, worrying, obsessing, I tell you, those are things that wipe you out. Then I think about the fact that I am exhausted now, but I haven't even gotten into the hard physical stuff yet.

I remember thinking that pregnancy, and the months that followed child birth were the most exhausting. I was wrong. This is different. It's amazing how consuming it is. It takes over ever thought, plan, dream, and places them under a cloud. I can't think about anything without somehow the cancer diagnosis being involved somehow.

Today was a down day for me. I don't know exactly why, but it was. Maybe I am going through doctor withdrawals. It's been a whole two days since I have seen a doctor. Feels kind of strange.  and my next appointment isn't until tuesday. Gasp!

I am trying to mentally prepare myself for surgery. It's strange how there is practically a line running halfway through my soul. On the right half, there is the part of me that is charing ahead, fists clenched screaming "bring it on! Let's get this shit done!" (more salty language, especially for you, Kathy Allocco, because you like it so much!) On the left half, there is the side of me that is sad and scared. I am going to lose a part of me. Literally. And I don't like it one bit. I am not looking forward to being "frankenboobs" but there's nothing I can do to stop this train now. And of course, I know that it's best that I don't.

It's an odd feeling to be charging so hard at something that scares me so much.  All I can do is close my eyes, jump and hope I land on my feet. I am sure I will, but sometimes, it just doesn't feel that way. I wish I could wake up and have it be two years from now, cancer-free, with my new and improved (and nicely reconstructed) self.


  1. I have a livestrong wristband for you-and Steve too, if you both want them. They are youth size, but if you want them, they are yours for the taking. If you need to talk to me about surgery (since I have had so darn much of it, and am fully experienced in every sense of the word), please don't hesitate. Message me on Facebook and I'll send you my phone number. Take care.

  2. Nicole
    Thanks for using one of my favorites!
    Keep you eye on tomorrow and before you know it all this "SHIT" will be behind you. I hope your mother doesn't read these comments.
    Love & prayers