Monday, October 10, 2011

The loudest voice you hear is your own & ode to Steve!

That was the affirmation card that I got today at the Wellness Community (aka, the cancer support community. I am resisting the name change, because I like focusing on the wellness part better).

I find it interesting timing because I have been having a rough few days emotionally. Right before my last treatment, I was feeling great. Then the side effects did their thing, and I struggled. I know to expect these things, but I still have a hard time accepting it when going through it. Fears creep in, sadness happens. And I can't help but ask the proverbial "why me?" I know I have come up with reasons to justify it, and in many ways have accepted it, but it's challenging to look at the world and know that I am the one who drew that short straw, and to know I will never quite know exactly why.  I know there are people in this world who have it so much worse than me, but sometimes, I get tired of being strong, and I let it get the better of me.

So today, while sitting there in my comfy seat in the community, I got that card. I found it very interesting because I know that much of the waves of sadness are within my control. So I need to cut the crap. I only have two more rounds of this stuff. I can get through this. It's been a long road so far, but I am nearing the homestretch. I need to believe in myself that I am beating this. I need to believe that soon I will hear and own the words "cancer free".

I need to understand that while going through this has been the bain of my existence, it's going to open my heart to an even more beautiful future, one where the colors on the trees are more vibrant. I will see that the sky is a bit more blue. I have learned more about how to reign in my soul when it feels like it's running amok. I am a warrior, and I will win this war... never mind the battle, I'm taking the whole kit and kaboodle.

Enough about me. I want to talk about Steve. He is one unbelievable man! He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me. He's the man who used to tell me I was beautiful without makeup. Now he tells me I am beautiful without hair. He has been by my side in ways I could never have dreamed of. He's held my hand when I was in pain. He's made me laugh, and cried with me. He's made me feel special at times when I feel invisible. When the rest of the world is living their normal lives, he's right there front and center, never letting me feel alone. He doesn't get to forget about what I am going through, he lives it every day. He never makes me feel badly about bringing this unwanted guest into our home. I know it's hard on him, and I know he's tired, but he doesn't give up. He knows when he needs to step up with extra effort to cover mommy's shoes with our son. Does he get angry about cancer? Of course. But he never lets it stand in the way of living up to the vows we took 7 years ago. I know it's not easy, but that's what makes me so lucky. This is a horrible path we are walking, but I am grateful and blessed to have him walking it with me.


  1. Hi! I am known as jilicious, I breast fed my son at 43 after treatment for breast cancer. I am a 20 year survivor, diagnosed at 41. One breast is all I had to work with and a size a cup..I am proud and joke about it!:) I know you are in a real rough place right now..sounds like you are taking a real great approach and have a great attitude..I wish you the best and want to show my support!

  2. i just found your blog via abc news, and i am so grateful! i haven't had a chance to read all of your posts, but that's on the agenda tonight : ) i was diagnosed with stage 1 june 9 and had a mastectomy on the right on june 15 - i understand crazy! due to my work schedule, i'm not able to have reconstruction until december 5, but at that time i will have another mastectomy, reconstruction of both breasts and a tummy tuck to boot! i always said i wanted a boob job when i was done having kids, just didn't think it would happen this way! i am the first in my family to have cancer. even though i know it's gone (lymphs were clean), i'm still scared. the whole "what if?" terrifies me. i'll say extra prayers for you tonight, and just know that one more person is behind you!!