At 6 am, I heard this little voice calling from his room, "mommy!" I went in to see him, and told him it was too early to get up and that he had to go back to bed. He asked me if I would sit in the rocking chair with him. How could I say no to that? I sat in the chair, and he climbed up on my lap. He put his arm around me and snuggled his perfect little face into my shoulder.
As he drifted back to sleep in my arms, I couldn't help but know that there is no other option but for me to never go through this again. Even though I am winding down on chemo, the war is far from over. I still have radiation and tamoxifen ahead. And I need to change my lifestyle. I have already started making changes, but I need to do much more. I need to lose a significant amount of weight. I need to eat more naturally. I need to exercise regularly. I know none of these things will guarantee anything, but statistically speaking, the risks of recurrance are so much lower when lifestyle changes like these are adopted.
As I held that sweet boy in my arms and rocked him peacefully in that chair, I knew that I have to live for him. I need be here when we don't both fit in that rocking chair anymore. I need to be here when "mommy" turns into "ma!" I need to be here to worry when he gets his first girlfriend that I raised him right. I need to be here to cry the tears of pride when he wears that mortarboard on his head at the college of his choice. I need to be here to be the second woman to have a dance with him on his wedding day. I need to be here to see that the little boy I am nurturing now will be an amazing man. He has a life to live and I need to be a part of it. It's not an option for me to miss it.
There is a long road of choices ahead of me and I pray I make all the right ones. I don't want to survive for me. I want to do it for him.