Ok folks, you might not want to read this unless you feel like being emotional. You have been warned, it's a bit of a downer. As I am typing this, tears are flowing freely. It's the emotion that just I need to get out tonight. I am not able to sleep, so I am just doing my cathartic purge, hoping it will free my mind and let me rest.
We all know that music can be powerful. Often times, it can drum up emotions unlike anything else. There are some songs that I can't even listen to because the emotions are too overwhelming for me to process now. However, there has been a song that has resonated with me throughout this journey. The funny thing is, I haven't even heard the song in years, but it comes to mind often when I look in the mirror these days. The song is "True Colors". What pops into my head is the very first line:
"You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged though I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you makes you feel so small"
The irony is that if I allow myself to get past the first part of the song, it is meant to be encouraging and supportive. Instead, it just sums up how I feel about the girl looking back at me in the mirror. It's meant to highlight hope and beauty that is behind the sad eyes, but I get stuck at the first part. I have yet to find a way to see beyond the sadness looking back at me. So many other people do, I wish I could figure out how to do it too.
Everyone in my world has been nothing short of amazingly supportive of me. People who I talk to every day, or people who I may rarely see have nothing but kind words. The only exception to that is me. This was never more apparent to me than today. At a family party, everyone was loving, complimentary, supportive and kind, much kinder than I am to myself.
I wish I could view myself in the way others do. I was always my own worst critic, but now, even more so. When I look in the mirror, what I see is sad girl, a scared girl. One who doesn't feel as strong as she truly must be. A girl who doesn't see a whole lot of anything special or extraordinary, and just feels pretty weak and weary from a journey that is not even halfway through.
Tonight, in an effort to relax and get some sleep, I popped in a guided meditation. Most of them knock me out pretty quickly. The focus was on healing, and part of the imagery was a team of people coming to support me and to cheer me on. The imagery of my support group rallying around me flooded my eyes with tears, not exactly the relaxing effect I was hoping for. Those very tears often threaten to fall whenever someone is supportive, kind or encouraging. Partially because I am so very appreciative of their words, and partially because I wish I could be kinder to myself and allow me to see my true colors instead of just my sad eyes. I wish that when people tell me that I look great and I am doing so well, that I could believe them and agree, instead of just thinking that they are just trying to be nice.
I do believe (or at least hope) that when this is all over, I will see myself that way. I am certain that if I was on the outside looking in, I would have the same feelings as others. I just wish I could see through the fog and see my own true colors. Until then, I guess I will just be grateful that others do.