It's so easy to look at my situation and throw a pity party. But what would that do? It certainly isn't going to make it easier or take it away. All that would do is magnify it, and make it even seem worse than it is.
Everyone has crap in their lives to deal with. Some people have unhappy home lives. Some people are underemployed or unemployed. Some people are lonely or unfulfilled in their lives. Some people put their lives on hold to care for loved ones. Whatever the case is, we all encounter crosses in our lives.
Early on in my journey in cancer-ville, there was a knowledge of something that occurred that I only shared with a few people. The reason I didn't share it broadly at the time was because it's an extreme story of faith and religion, and I was not sure how everyone would receive it. I only shared it with those who I believed would understand and not question it. I've decided that it is important for me to share this because it is a real account of my experience. Perhaps it will bolster faith for someone. If people choose to take something from it, wonderful. If not, well, no harm, no foul. If you do not feel comfortable reading about a Christian testimony, please stop here because I do not hold back on what occurred and my interpretation of it.
On the day that my biopsy was done, I knew in my heart what was coming. I knew because something happened. While I was lying on the table, I heard the tech say to the radiologist, "hey, do you see what I see?" The radiologist acknowledged that she did. She told me to look at the screen. I did and I saw what they saw. The tumor they were biopsy-ing was in the shape of a cross. The radiologist said to me, "I see a cross. And I hope you don't mind saying so, but I take that as a good sign". My thought immediately was "this is my cross to bear in life - cancer."
It was there, plain as day on the screen, and later, it was there on the films. I interpreted it a few ways. First, I took it immediately as a bad sign because I knew instinctually that my diagnosis was coming. My next reaction was that I knew that I was not alone in this battle. I knew that even aside from my wonderful family and friends, I had faith that I was not walking this road alone. There was my higher power involved.
So I continue to bear my cross, as do those of my friends and family who in many ways support me though out this, whether it is to push me to keep going, to listen to me when I struggle and need to vent, to suffer in their own hearts just watching me going through this, or doing a number of things to help me along the way.
Crosses are heavy, that much I know. They take endurance, faith and love to bear. But the fact is, everyone has them, and as a Christian, perhaps the focus is not on bearing the cross, but on the glory of the symbolic Easter, the thought of triumph over adversity. The reality that though the road is a tough one, one can overcome. Indeed, this is the cornerstone of my faith as a Catholic, is it not?