Today was my first day back at work. So much for easing back in. I jumped in with both feet and let's just say that day went very quickly. I did welcome the distraction for certain. It absolutely was a welcome change. The only issue is the pace is much more intense than I recall, probably due to my 2 and a half month leave. But I am not complaining. I am grateful to have the job and the situation that I have.
One thing that amazes me about this whole experience is the wide range of emotions that come into play. A journey through cancer is way more erratic than PMS or pregnancy hormones. Imagine that!
I am trying to shift my focus back to healing, winning. The week following each treatment is certainly much darker than I am used to, but I do usually come out of it for a bit before the next round. This upcoming round though is different because it's the last AC. It marks another milestone done. I am going focus on visualizing myself hearing the words "you are cancer-free". I am going to will this nonsense to be overwith so I can get on with my life.
I don't want to dwell in shadows forever.
I want to bask in the sunlight without worry of getting dizzy or sick. I want to walk for miles and miles without feeling the strain chemo has placed on my body. I want to sleep at night. I want to not worry that I will miss any of the wonderful life that lives ahead. I want to brush my hair again. I want to be able to diet and eat healthy, not just eat what I can "tolerate" on any given day. I want to feel like me again and not be self-conscious of the changes I have undergone.
Rather than want, I will do these things.
I am going to set my mind to it and keep charging ahead. I know that I have had the best medical care money (or rather insurance) can buy. I know that I am getting the protocols that yield the best outcomes after years of research. I know that I have faith and continue to pray every day. I know that I am the benefactor of many other kind people's prayers. I know that I am a fighter. I know that I am not going to give up. I know that my body is strong and will overcome this challenge. One day very soon, I will be able to say that it's over, and I won. I will be cancer-free, and I will be proud, and I will feel like me again. In the meantime, I am glad to be back at work because it reminds me of what I have done and can do.