Tuesday, January 31, 2012

where is that remote?

I have talked about wishing this time would pass quickly and be but a memory. It's so hard to fathom what it will be like when I am no longer treading water in a pink sea of breast cancer. Will I forget what it feels like now? The fear has lessened a bit, although I anticipate a huge spike whenever I go for a follow up. In a recent session at the CSC, they referred to this as "Scan-xiety". I though that was pretty funny and certainly appropo. I remember reading somewhere about a cancer patient saying how stressful doctor's visits were for them, and at the time, not understanding why. I get it now!
The good news is, I am definitely in a less acute emotional situation than I was a few months ago. I can actually wear non-waterproof mascara most of the time, which quite the improvement. The adreneline has come down, and I am not as cancer-obsessed as I was. I am trying, and doing a somewhat reasonable job of getting back to "normal". Being out of radiation is certainly wonderful as I know longer have that daily reminder every day of what my life has become. And like everything else in life, as time is going on, my radiation burns are healing up quite nicely. Thank you, Silvadene!
Mom is doing great post-surgery. You'd never even know she had surgery... She hasn't missed a beat. She goes to see Doctor Warden tomorrow. I cannot help but be thankful that she caught this. I am so relieved to see that she is going to go through this and be just fine. I don't like that she is going through treatment, but I don't down her future success for one minute. She's got a lot of living to do, so she just needs to clear these upcoming hurdles, and she will be back to kicking ass in scrabble, travelling, hanging with the wade street gang, and showing me how to raise my son.
It will be a wonderful feeling when we fast forward and all is good for us. Sometimes, that day seems incredibly far away, and sometimes it seems like it's within grasp. I am particularly excited for the day when Steven is old enough to realize how special his mom and grandma are.. We survivors are pretty cool after all. Ideally, I am hoping he will be shocked when he learns what we have gone through, because that will mean that he has not been negatively affected by it. That will be a victory in and of itself. And then I want to be there to see him graduate from medical school. Princeton would be nice, or perhaps UPenn like his Aunt Courtney. Hey, if I am only going to have one kid, he sure as heck should get the benefit of the best opportunities, right?
Anywho, things outside of treatment are pretty good. It's definitely strange to not see a doctor constantly. It's a blend between unnerving and refreshing. I am starting a program next week called "Cancer transitions" which is geared towards teaching cancer patients about how to make lifestyle changes to promote overall wellness, and supplement any treatments given. I am looking forward to that. The program director is an absolute gem and has been so unbelieveably helpful to me throughout my journey. Hey if you are ever looking for a place to make a charitable donation, please consider "the cancer support community" in eatontown. They are totally privately funded, and truthfully are invaluable to cancer patients.
Anyway, as far as I can tell, I have a bright future ahead. In the meantime, I am going to do the best I can with what I have. And I will be grateful for the wakeup call cancer gave me. Not everyone has the opportunity to assess their life the way I have. I have a different perspective, and I love that. I've said it before, cancer has changed me... But I believe it's changed me for the better.

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