Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Oh Cancer, will you just frigging stop already?

So, the bastard is back again. The biopsy confimed that the cancer is active and kicking in my body. DAMMIT! I am on a roller coaster right now. The prognosis is strong still. It's not great, but it's doable. They repeatedly reminded me that bony metatasis does not kill people. The trick is to keep it out of the places that could. Talk about pressure.

The next chapter is likely to include chemo. Radiation is possible, but it depends on the chemo. Radiation would certainly kill the spot in my leg. The problem is that there are cells floating around my body looking for the next place to grow. That's what we need to stop.

The spot in my bone is ER-negative, PR-mildly positive, and Her2 negative. So no more hormonal torture for me because it's not working and I don't have much hormonal activity going on anymore. Now it's the rogue cells that need to be hunted down and killed. I am grateful to have a plan. I will be going to Sloan for a follow up/second opinion. But likelihood is, wigs and hats are in my future. I can't lie. That part plain sucks!! I was loving my hair... I don't want to go back to being bald and ugly. Men can pull it off. Me, not so much :-(

The drugs they are talking about should be very manageable. I should be able to work and even go into the office regularly. I should be able to exercise (watch out Jami). I can travel, and live my life. Just rocking the hairless look.

The other sucky part about all of this is seeing my loved ones stressed to the maxed and heartbroken. My cancer doesn't really bring out the best in people who are worried about me. That breaks my heart. I know it's not my fault, but it still kills me to see. Please pray for all of them that they can find peace in this and be ok with all of this. It makes it so much harder for me when I see the hurt in their own eyes.

Tomorrow, I go back to my surgeon for the followup and I pick up my copies of my sloan paperwork and then I wait. I should hear from Sloan in the next week as to who can meet with me.

I did have one good sign. the very first thing I saw when I walked in the cancer center was a story of a woman who has been fighting metastatic disease for more than 20 years. Mark my words, I will be like that too. I will not quit. I will fight like hell... I have too much to live for. Life has to go on. I have too much to do!


  1. I don't think anyone could have a stronger will than you! Keep fighting!!

  2. Nicole;
    You are strong and you will conquer this horrible disease again. Like you said you have allot to live for. God will watch over you and give strength to fight once again. Praying for you always.
    All my love.
    Maria Miraldo