Oh Cancer, will you just frigging stop already?

So, the bastard is back again. The biopsy confimed that the cancer is active and kicking in my body. DAMMIT! I am on a roller coaster right now. The prognosis is strong still. It's not great, but it's doable. They repeatedly reminded me that bony metatasis does not kill people. The trick is to keep it out of the places that could. Talk about pressure.

The next chapter is likely to include chemo. Radiation is possible, but it depends on the chemo. Radiation would certainly kill the spot in my leg. The problem is that there are cells floating around my body looking for the next place to grow. That's what we need to stop.

The spot in my bone is ER-negative, PR-mildly positive, and Her2 negative. So no more hormonal torture for me because it's not working and I don't have much hormonal activity going on anymore. Now it's the rogue cells that need to be hunted down and killed. I am grateful to have a plan. I will be going to Sloan for a follow up/second opinion. But likelihood is, wigs and hats are in my future. I can't lie. That part plain sucks!! I was loving my hair... I don't want to go back to being bald and ugly. Men can pull it off. Me, not so much :-(

The drugs they are talking about should be very manageable. I should be able to work and even go into the office regularly. I should be able to exercise (watch out Jami). I can travel, and live my life. Just rocking the hairless look.

The other sucky part about all of this is seeing my loved ones stressed to the maxed and heartbroken. My cancer doesn't really bring out the best in people who are worried about me. That breaks my heart. I know it's not my fault, but it still kills me to see. Please pray for all of them that they can find peace in this and be ok with all of this. It makes it so much harder for me when I see the hurt in their own eyes.

Tomorrow, I go back to my surgeon for the followup and I pick up my copies of my sloan paperwork and then I wait. I should hear from Sloan in the next week as to who can meet with me.

I did have one good sign. the very first thing I saw when I walked in the cancer center was a story of a woman who has been fighting metastatic disease for more than 20 years. Mark my words, I will be like that too. I will not quit. I will fight like hell... I have too much to live for. Life has to go on. I have too much to do!

Medical update

I know there have been a lot of questions surrounding this latest new development. Let me bring everyone up to speed. In September, my tumor markers were up. We did scans then that revealed I had a spot on my spine that was suspicious for cancer. They wanted to biopsy it for the purposes of checking the tumor profile with the thought that if the her2 protein was showing over expression, we could add herceptin to my treatment mix. Unfortunately, the location of the lesion was too tricky and the information was not worth risking my life for. So we treated it with what we knew, and radiated it.

Fast forward to January and time for follow up scans. The good news is, the original lesion on L2 was showing no cancer activity and by all 4 scans was healing beautifully. The bad news is, there were two new areas of concern that popped up as possible issues. Another on my spine (this one T11), and one in my right femur. A few weeks prior to the scan, I fell down a flight of stairs, so we were hoping that some how, the concerns were related to that. So MRIs followed.

The T11 spot was consistent with injury, and was deemed not cancer related at this time. The right femur however, looks consistent with cancer, and a biopsy has been ordered to confirm and to check again for the her2 marker. That brings us to today.

What will happen today is they will knock me out (and hopefully put some good antinausea meds in the bag), they will do what is called an open biopsy where they will make a small incision in my leg, and then drill through the bone to the spot to get a sample. Aren't you all jealous? What an exciting Friday afternoon! UGH! So to allow the bone to heal from it's date with a drill, I will be on crutches for two weeks and can't drive. I should get the full results on February 13th...but might the preliminary "is it cancer or is it not" part sooner... Truth be told, it is very likely cancer, but you just never know. Either way, I am ready for whatever comes next. If it's time for more treatment, so be it.

I also will be seeking a second opinion at Sloan to see if we are missing something or even just to get validation on my current course of treatment. I am relentless and will keep doing what I need to to beat this thing. If I am successful at knocking out this tumor, that will be the third time I have beaten back this disease in less than two years. Let's hope 3 times a charm and I get a little break in the action after this!

Thanks for the prayers love and support. They are always welcome and appreciated. I also would ask for prayers for my family. Everyone is struggling with this. I hate seeing them hurting because they are worried about me.

Living with cancer

So you will notice that I don't capitalize the "c" in cancer. That's something that I have decided to do as a symbolic gesture to not give it more importance than it deserves. I am living with cancer. It means that it is a part of my life, but it does not define my life, nor does it completey control my life.

Part of living with cancer is accepting that things can change at any time. That can be an improvement or a setback. It's a difficult shift. When I first was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer, I thought I just had to get through it, and would come out the other side and be able to leave it behind. what I didn't realize is you really can never leave it totally behind... But most especially if you advance in stage.

But not all bad things come of it, and life doesn't have to suck just because I have experienced metastasis. I won't let it. I really have an issue with cancer trying to control everything. It doesn't seem like it deserves that right. I am fortunate that now I am aggressively screened for recurrances and will be aggressively treated as need be... And in the meantime, I just pray that I don't need more treatment. But that's out of my hands. What I can do is just continue to smile, laugh and love. That's what I always did. Why should I stop now?

Yes, I am living with chronic cancer. but what the heck.... who cares. I'm living!

Dear cancer...

Dear cancer,

We have known each other for almost two years now. I guess there are a few things you should know about me I would think you would have figured then out by now but it seems you're a little stupid. I might be generally nice and relatively forgiving. What you don't seem to realize is I can be a tenacious bitch when I want to be. I am a Jersey Girl, which means I am tough and feisty at times. I am three quarters Italian and one quarter German which means hidden deep in me is a stubborn streak a mile wide. And I had three brothers growing up which made me believe I could accomplish anything, and it taught me to throw a punch.

I know you are a relentless pain in the ass, cancer. And I know you are probably going to try to keep coming back. However, you need to know that I am going to keep fighting. I am going to be your worst nightmare. What you don’t know is that when the doctors try to convince me to take a treatment, I need no convincing… Any tools they have to give me to fight you, I will take and I will run with.

So if you enjoy being cut, burned, poisoned and starved, so be it. I am going to keep doing those things. You can rest assured of that.

And I will continue to focus on my healthful living (granted, the holidays allowed me to slide a bit off track, but it’s January now, and I am back in control of that). I do not intend to give you excuses to come back. I can’t control you, but I can control me. And I can control what I do to fight you.

Clearly, you haven’t learned your lesson. I will keep beating up on you as long as I am able, which you should know, I intend to be able for a very long time. I don’t give up a fight easily and even though I have been through one hell of an 18 months, I am re-energized, and ready to be called back into battle to kick your ass again should it be necessary. Seeing my L2 looking all healthy and pretty on the screen breathed new wind into my sails.

I pray we never meet again, but know that if we do, I will haul at those boxing gloves again. Do me a favor, just stay away for a while. Save yourself the embarrassment of my beating up on you, ok?

Most Sincerely,

Me

new post up under "all these things plus one"

Cancer specific post is up. check it out: http://nmalato.blogspot.com

:-)

I am here and that's what matters...

This one goes back under the category all these things plus  one, rather than stained glass because it’s predominantly about cancer. In the next two weeks, I enter the latest section of my diagnosis. My cancer world is carved up into 3 month chapters that will play out as time goes on. Every three months, they run scans and I get “re-staged”. I will never officially be allowed to come out of stage IV now, but I can potentially get to the ultimate goal of being “stage iv, ned… no evidence of disease” which means we have managed the detected cancer flare up, and I am currently stable. I don’t know if this round of scans will bring that, but certainly, it’s what I am praying for. I want to be medically stable. That would be good news of epic proportions for me. It means the next 3 month chapter of my life will be just a bit more hopefully, a bit more care free. Or, if I do not get my desired “NED”, I will find out what the next plan is. This will be the ongoing process of my life for the time being. But the fact that the scans and the treatments loom will not interfere with my life. I am here. I am not dead, nor do I plan on being so any time soon.

For now, here’s what I want to focus on. I am able to do what I want to do. There is so much of life for me to experience.  I might not be able to make major plans more than 3 months in advance, but that is ok. That keeps me more focused on the here and now which is not a bad thing. It helps me to enjoy living in the moment, something I often struggled to do. I am currently able to work up to my usual standard. I am able to be a mommy to my precious boy. I am able to be a wife to my beloved husband. I am able to be a sister, a daughter, and a friend. I am still me. I am not my cancer. That brings me to a new point. I am considering a new project: one that will bring hope to women in any stage of the disease. I have bounced it off a few people, and I really think that this is something the world needs. More hope for women who have cancer, including those with metastatic cancer. My purpose here is to help others feel stronger and more empowered. I believe I can make a difference for women who need it. If you are a breast cancer survivor (and yes this includes women in active treatment),  and are interested in learning more about the project  please reach out to me. If you don’t have my contact information, you can message me through my book’s fb page: “when life hands you pink lemons”.

In the coming weeks, please keep me and mom in your prayers. Mom has her regular followup. I have scans. Both are anxiety-inducing. Pray for our serenity, and pray for good news. We greatly appreciate it. I do believe God is listening.

Stained Glass

I have created a second blog that focuses on things other than breast cancer. Please feel free to read and comment

http://nmalato2.blogspot.com/