Saturday, August 10, 2013

The shadows

I spend a lot of time focusing on the positive and the blessings cancer brings. Truth be told, I'd be lying if I said that there weren't hard times. There are. There are times of anger, guilt, fear. There are times of sadness, jealousy and self-pity. There are times of feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, and just plain exhausted. I work very hard to keep them check, but they bubble up time and again. Yesterday, I was reminded of the quote "people cry not because they are weak but because they are strong for too long." This was me yesterday. I try very hard to act like I don't have cancer. I try very hard to not let it interfere with life, but the reality is that there is only so much I can do. It's very easy for me to forget my reality. Every day, I am fighting a life threatening disease for those I love. Talk about self induced pressure. And as much as the chemo is manageable, side effects exist. Neuropathy, severe headaches, digestive issues, sinus problems, oh and of course the baldness. I think the loss of eyelashes and eye brows bother me the most because without makeup I truly look sick. My reality reveals itself. The reality that I try so hard to keep hidden. Am I doing myself justice? I don't know. On one hand, it's nice to know that I give hope to others and myself via my appearance, but there are times when perhaps it hides the gravity of my situation. Every two months, my heart is gripped with fear not knowing if I am better or worse. The anticipation of upcoming scans is hell. It's like purgatory not knowing if elation or anguish waits on the other side of the phone call. And in the two months between scans, there is chemo itself. Generally, it hasn't been too bad, but it does catch up with me. The migraines, dizziness and fatigue do hit me. The aches and pains come and go. There are times when i want to do more than I am able to. That is frustrating to me. Knowing I sometimes can't be the mommy I want to be breaks my heart. My four year old knows too much about doctors and sickness for anyone his age. He has fears and insecurities that no child should have to experience. Granted, he doesn't known the seriousness of my situation, but he knows his mommy isn't normal and that makes me sad. I do my best to keep things as normal as possible and have wonderful support of people who,are willing to step in and help him have a normal childhood. That is a blessing. But there are times why it shows. Just yesterday, he knew I was crying and he was blowing me kisses from the back seat of the car to try to cheer me up. While it is wonderful that he is so compassionate, I wish he didn't have to be. But this Is my life. This is real. Sometimes things are good, and sometimes they are just plain hard.

No comments:

Post a Comment