I know what pisses me off the most about cancer... The lack of control. I really didn't consider myself to be too much of a control freak. Although, of course, I had my moments where I wanted to be in control of everything in life. But I don't think I was obsessive about it and it certainly wasn't all the time.
However, the loss of control was a huge blow for me when I got cancer. I thought I had more say about my health than I actually did. I thought I had more ability to steer my life boat so to speak. I thought that I was doing good things for my health, and was hopefully destined for longevity. I lived in and loved that dilusion. I loved the thought that I had control over my body.
I had a conversation with someone at CSC recently about this topic. She pointed out to me that really, none of us have total control over what happens to us, anyone could get stuck by lightning tomorrow. I know that and have heard that many times, and probably have even said it myself. She said that even though it feels like I now have lost that control, I never really had it to begin with. But it comes down to that "illusion of security" that a friend of mine once explained to me. He told me that computer systems are never really secure. There are all these programs that create an illusion of security, but if someone really wanted to they could hack into most systems. Not very comforting. But I suppose it's true.
The same applies to cancer. There is nothing that guarantees us a cancer-free existance. I never smoked. I exercised several times a week. I was a veggie pusher (just ask Steve). I didn't drink excessively. I created the illusion of security against cancer for myself. I believed in that illusion. So when it came crashing down a year ago, nothing made sense. In some ways, it still doesn't really make much sense. It's just life.
But despite this, I still work very hard. Hitting the gym multiple times a week, sometimes even twice in the same day. I am getting my fruits and veggies in and try to do a vegetarian day or two a week. I take every vitamin I am told to take. I took every possible aggressive treatment offered. Perhaps it's my desire to regain the control I lost. Perhaps it's because I want to be able to rest easy knowing that I have done everything I can to prevent recurrance and spread, and now whatever happens is up to the Big Guy upstairs. It's the old "work like it's up to me, and pray like it's up to Him" approach. At this point, that's the best I can do.
I get tired sometimes, emotionally tired. Tired of thinking about cancer. Tired of being scared. Tired of working on how to be extra positive to overcompensate for the damage that cancer did to me emotionally. Tired of balancing my normal desire to plan my life and my fear of what if.
I know this post is not my usually upbeat type of post. But the purpose of the blog was not to wax poetic on the beauty of cancer all the time. The purpose was to share my genuine feelings, unapologetically (although sometimes I do apologize when I'm being a debbie downer).
On another note, please continue your prayers for mom. She started taxol yesterday. She's doing well, God love her. Please continue to pray for me as my journey continues. Also, a special prayer request, I have a friend who has had enough strife in her life who is going for a biopsy this friday. Please pray that she gets good results and that it is not breast cancer.