riding the emotional rollercoaster

I almost feel bad posting this now, but in the spirit of candor, this is the emotional craziness that I live in. I wrote this earlier today, but hadn't posted it yet. Then tonight, I had a wonderful evening with my family and our friends at the beach club. The weather was perfect and it was a simply lovely night. It ended with my child saying "mommy, will you snuggle with me?" Ah bliss.

But the point of the blog is to throw it all out there. To share the experience with others, the good the bad, the ugly. So without further adieu, tonight's blog is about being mad.

Ok, for those of you who were wondering when the anger wave was going to hit, it's here...I am allowed to get mad once in a while, right? Well, if not, too bad! I'm doing it anyway. During the last week or so, I have seen a few random thunderstorms of anger pop up in my mind. I realized that it's more real than I thought when I had two rants last night. So in the name of catharsis, here are the things that are just aggravating me. Please forgive the rant. And please note, if you are reading this blog, you are not likely one of the people who I am venting about. Those people as of the time of this post do not have access to the blog. 

• I'm mad that this is happening to me and I had no clue it was coming. I was just blindsided. I know that's how life changing events tend to manifest, but it just bugs me. I was thrown one of life's largest curveballs and I didn't even have a bat in my hand at the time. I've accepted it now, but it took a while.

• I'm furious that as I undergo this trial, I will not be able to be the mom I want to be to my son. I know he will be fine, and I know it's for the best that I plow on through the madness that is ahead, but it's just maddening. I have always loved that child, played with him, hugged him, carried him, snuggled with him. The fact that I know there will be times when I have to say, "No Steven, Mommy can't do that right now" infuriates me. I know in the long run it's for the best, but that doesn't mean it will hurt my heart any less to say it.

• I'm angry that my family hurts. I'm mad that my mom and dad have been feeling their own brand of fear, anger and sadness. It kills me that my brothers have felt helpless and scared at times. And it really breaks my heart that my beautiful nieces cried because of me. I know that in the end I will make them all proud, but I wish I could do that in a less daunting way. Couldn't I just have won a bake-off or ran a marathon or something less taxing? No? Crap.
  
  
• I am aggravated that random people think they have the right to make me second guess my choices. Choices that I have given a lot of thought to. Choices that they themselves cannot fathom what it is like to have to make. Choices that are the best for my health and my life. Choices that have nothing to do with them. And the kicker is, these people barely know me. If I want your opinion, I will ask for it. There are plenty of people who I have asked for their thoughts and insights because I wanted them. If you aren't one of them, kindly keep your mouth shut. How can they dare suggest that they have any clue what is best for me? I don't think you even could pick my family out of the crowd, how could you know what works for us? You have never taken the time to get to know me, what makes you the expert now?
  
  
• I am enraged that I have encountered people so stupid, so insensitive to think that it is in any way acceptable to make jokes about my health and treatment behind my back in a room full of people! First of all, are we in high school here or are we grown adults? In what world is that ok? Karma is a bitch and I hope that person never knows what it's like to stand in my shoes... Because I while I don't wish it on anyone, I also think that person will never see the kindness, support and love that I have seen while encountering something so devastating because he hasn't earned the respect and loyalty of others. This was never more evident when they all came to me to tell me what the bastard said. Listen, buddy, when you disrespect others in public, people will throw you right under the bus because they don't trust or respect you. Regardless, to that person I have this to say. "frig you and the horse you rode in on!" :-p
  
  
• I'm besides myself that the thought "I really don't want die" ever even crossed my mind. I know that I will beat this. There are so many odds in my favor, and I have the drive to push through this beast and win... But at first, the thought was there. and it scared me, and that really pi$$es me off. Granted, the good news is, I don't think that way anymore. In fact, just the opposite. I see a long future full of pretty amazing things.

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  I am ticked off that my husband has to endure this. He has dealt with enough crap in his life. I was supposed to be the good stuff for him. Now he has to go through this which might even been his hardest hurdle yet. But I am proud of him for handling it gracefully.
  
  
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  I'm annoyed that my life can never really go back to the way it was before. Even once we get through this, things are different. they just are. In some ways, I know they will be better, but I really was happy with our old life. I was good with the routine, uneventful, comfortable life. I guess no one gets off easy. Everyone has their cross to bear. I found mine on May 3rd, 2011.
  
  
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  I am frustrated that this illness still exists. I wish and pray for a future in this world where no one's inside turn to ice when they hear the words "you have cancer". That is a conversation that shakes you to your soul.
  
  
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  Oh and one more trivial thing. I am mad that the flip flops I bought at the outlets today are uncomfortable. dammit!
  
  
  p.s. i'm also really ticked that the bullets look weird on this page. when i am in edit mode, they look fine! 

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ok, I feel better. Your regularly scheduled rainbows and sunshine will return tomorrow.