nonsense and the emotion of the day

Before I get into the nitty gritty of today, I want to talk a bit about the word nonsense. If you have spoken to me, you may have heard me use the word nonsense when referring to my cancer or the trauma that lies ahead. I call it nonsense for several reasons. Even though I know this is all real, it still doesn't quite feel like it is. I am not completely sure it ever will. Or at least not any time soon. It still has an etheral-like quality, almost nonsensical. I also call it nonsense because me getting this crazy disease doesn't make a whole lot of sense medically considering the whole lack of family history part, being so young, etc. I also call it nonsense because when all of this is done, I think it will feel like it was not as big of a deal as it seems today. I know that sounds weird. What I mean by this is that there are days when I feel like it's the end of the world. But it's not. I mean, let's not kid ourselves, it's huge and life-changing. But it is not the end of the world. It's like I said to my mom. It's life-changing, but it's not life-ending, even if it feels that way sometimes.

 

As for the emotion of the day, the title is silly because, to be honest, it would be more accurate to say "emotion of the minute". It changes that fast. But I'm going to generalize and go with the more prevalent emotion today which is fear in its various forms... And how I conquered it --- at least for now.

 

The fear is of the unknown. What is it going to feel like when I have my surgery? What is it going to be like to go through chemo? I had my meeting with my Oncologist today. I feel better already. Here are a two sound bites from the meeting that gave me hope.

• "There is nothing here that tells me we can't cure this for you. We can do this". She said what I have is very treatable.
• "It wont be a picnic, but it's not as bad as it used to be." Ok, well, that's good... I think.

Well, that's really all I need to know. But the detailed information is good to know too I guess, so here's the more detailed stuff:

 

• Treatment will likely start 4-6 weeks after surgery. My next appointment with her to start scheduling is on July 12th.
•  The only major outstanding piece of information is the Her2 receptor status. (which is something to do with how the tumors grow or something). She got back from the oncology report that my tumors are "borderline". The value to be considered positive is 2.8, mine came back 2.7. She wants the surgeon to get that redone with the samples from the surgery. She said it will most likely be positive.
•  If it is positive, here is the chemo plan: 6 cycles, each cycle lasting 3 weeks. Plus Herceptin treatments beyond the chemo for a year. Herceptin has minimal side effects compared to the chemo part, so basically, the first 4 and a half months will not be fun, and the rest should be fine. Will have tamoxifen probably for 5 years. may have radiation after chemo that is every day for a month, but no major side effects that will affect my ability to do stuff.
• If it is negative, the chemo will be 8 cycles, every 2 weeks. no herceptin treatment. tamoxifen and radiation same as above.

 

As for the hair loss thing, it's probably going to happen. It will likely start to fall out after the second treatment. blah. I guess I need to suck it up and go wig shopping soon. :-/ what color should I go??? So far, I have a vote for blonde, one for red, one for black, and one for a clown wig.

 

On another note, she was pleased to hear that I chose to go with the double mastectomy. She felt like it was good to go aggressive given my age, type of tumor, etc. She feels like sometimes they dance around it to do the breast preservation, and it only makes things harder and less certain for the future. She said with the course that I am taking, there is no reason I can't be here no until I am 70, 80 or more. So y'all are stuck with me. Suckers!

 

So I know what chemo does, and I am ready for it to do its job. I want it to kill the fear. The more I take treatments, in someways, the stronger I will become, metaphorically of course. This is how I am looking at it. Even though I know it's going to make me feel sicker than I feel now, it's attacking the nonsense in my body. I need to do that. I am pissed that this stuff is in my body and I am tired of worrying about what it's doing rolling around in there. I want to kill it! I'm viewing chemo like bug spray that takes out a giant wasp or something. I have been known to spray the heck of of something like that. I hate bugs... I hate cancer more.

 

So bottom line: how do you beat cancer? you fight it with a whole lot of hope and a whole lot of technology!

cancer doesn't make me sick. pollen does.

It's rather ironic that as far as cancer goes, I feel fine. It's my allergies  that are killing me! I feel like crap this morning. And I am going to be really irritated if I end up having to go to the doctor's for this. I really have had my fill of doctor's appointments by now. The last thing I want is to add another appointment to my schedule, especially if it's to get cold medicine. I am relatively sure that my allergies have gone beyond annoying and into upper respiratory infection. bastards! As if I need that on top of everything else!

On a positive note, 21 days until they get the cancer out of me! yippee! I can't lie. I am a little freaked out about the end result of the surgery just because I have grown attached to my body parts. However, I am looking forward to being "free" of the source of the madness. I know that only is the foothill of this climb, but it's an important one.

Here's the schedule for the week:

• meet and greet with the oncologist this afternoon
• follow-up with my normal obgyn to fill her in on the latest and greatest details   
• Hoping not to add a visit to my primary doc for antibiotics. The mere thought of that irks me right now!

Well, at least today isn't monday!

ahhh long weekends.

I live for the weekends. They remind me of the reasons why I want to live. Especially this time of year. The summer is coming, which means more opportunity to be out in the beautiful weather. More time to be on the beach or boardwalk. More parties with my friends and family... More life.

This weekend is no exception. Today was spent at the beach with some dear friends, and then bbq-ing with family. You know, it's become a bit of a joke with some ofour friends that the Briamonte family always comes up with a reason to party. "Some has a birthday, someone got an A on a report card, some on lost a tooth"... Well, add one more to the list "Someone is going to beat cancer"! That's coming. I haven't fully earned that party, but it is likely about a year out. It might just be a big one!!!

The truth is, all joking aside, my family does like to celebrate things. Focus on the positive and beautiful side of life. There is so much to life and be grateful for. Now more than ever. So many more reasons for me to fight this fight.

The funny thing about rollercoasters...

---

The funny thing about rollercoasters is this. After you scream your head off as you hurtle towards the ground, something good happens. The fear goes away, and what is left is either calm, a big hardy laugh or a "whoa! what a rush" feeling... So guess what? I am on the flipside of my massive downward rollercoaster spiral, and I am going back up!

In the past twenty four hours, I have recieved two major pieces of good news!

#1. I spoke to the nurse practitioner at my surgeon's office who informed me that the ultrasound showed a complex cyst... while I know that sounds gross and scary, it is a cyst, not a mass or a tumor! i.e. very unlikely to be cancer!!!!! WHEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

#2 (yes there are TWO good news items... I am so loving that!!!). I am BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 negative. For those of you who have not taken the crash course in oncology and genetics that I have recently taken, that means I do not have the known genetic mutation that can cause breast cancer. Which is great for me because it's better for my prognosis AND it means my family is less at risk!! Good news for mom, my nieces, my son, any future grandchildren, my aunt, my cousins, my brothers (p.s. boys, what I didn't tell you is if I had the gene, you would be at risk for Male breast cancer or prostate cancer... See? who's the best sister ever? I do things right! Just call me the lone ranger! I'm it. The rest of you should God willing be fine!!!!!!)

As for those of you who are like my two beautiful cousins who said "well then where the hell did you get this from?" The answer is, I don't know. However, I was given this for a reason. Maybe it's because God's testing to see whether I really am an optimistic person. I always said I could find the good side of anything. Maybe he wanted me to prove it! Again, I would have preferred to find the good in having termites or something less traumatic, but I don't get a vote. Or perhaps to be an example and an inspiration to other women. I intend to make God glad that he picked me to give this to!

So let's recap:

• I have breast cancer in both, and in a lymph node or two on the left. The right lymph nodes are clear.
• The tumors are estrogen positive which the good news is, that allows me to get treated with tamoxifen. Good news for long term prognosis of someone getting this monster so young
• The bones, lungs, liver, etc. are all clear. As of now, not metastatic disease i.e. it hasn't spread, i.e. I CAUGHT IT IN TIME!! Thank you God!
• The ovary looks like it's ok. I likely will have to deal with it, but it's more than likely benign so just a pain in the ass, but a managable pain. HUGE relief there. Breast cancer is much more doable when the ovaries aren't involved
• I am BRCA negative... Less chance of ovarian risk in the future... less risk for my family!!!

Shit, aside from the first bullet, I'm doing pretty darn good! So I say, bring on the surgery and bring on the chemo!!!! Survivor rising folks. I will earn that pink shirt!!! (and Helen, since you offered, you have to buy me the shirt when it's time. hahaha! How about this? I will pay it forward to the next survivor in our circle of friends and family.Sound like a plan??)

 

WOOHOO! the cancer patient is super happy today folks... Imagine that!!!

Reflections on the unofficial start of summer

Remember the days when summer meant days off, jelly shoes, and spending your entire day in a bathing suit? I do. I also remember it being a time when there was no worries. The days were long and spent having fun. Maybe an occasional trip down the shore or to Great Adventure to ride lightning loops or the scream machine, or in some really special years, a trip to Disney.

Oh how I miss those days. This summer will be a rollercoaster ride for sure. The funny thing is, in recent years, I have decided I was too old for roller coasters. They give me a headache. But now I've got my harness on, and it's too late to get off the ride now.

It reminds me of a summer years ago. For those of you who remember lightning loops, first you would have to climb all the way to the top of these ridiculous stairs. Each time a train went out, the stairs would shake, putting terror through your heart. Whose sadistic idea was that? Then you woud wait on the platform for your turn. Then they would strap you in to the ride, and your car would lurch forward and seemingly hurl you towards the ground face first. Then suddenly you would swing around and upside down. Once you got over that, then you did the whole damn thing again backwards. Now compared to the coasters out there now, I know that's nothing. But to an 8 year old, that was as terrifying as jumping off the Brooklyn bridge. I remember Donna convincing me it would be fine and not to worry. I remember thinking myself that I would be the one who was on a fateful ride and would get killed or my hair would get caught somewhere and rip off. Yes, ridiculous fears, I know...

But I am just as ridiculous today. I have similar irrational fears of the unknown. Anticipation of not knowing how I will feel when I am smack dab in the middle of this craziness.

Maybe things haven't changed as much as I think? I am going to be off for the summer. Granted, I won't be running around in bathing suit.  I am going to be a little terrified of this new type of rollercoaster. But I will have my friends and family riding along with me. I hope that at the end, I will say "that wasn't so bad". I doubt I will say "wow that was fun" but I'll be alright.

(T, thanks for the inspiration)

riding the emotional rollercoaster

I almost feel bad posting this now, but in the spirit of candor, this is the emotional craziness that I live in. I wrote this earlier today, but hadn't posted it yet. Then tonight, I had a wonderful evening with my family and our friends at the beach club. The weather was perfect and it was a simply lovely night. It ended with my child saying "mommy, will you snuggle with me?" Ah bliss.

But the point of the blog is to throw it all out there. To share the experience with others, the good the bad, the ugly. So without further adieu, tonight's blog is about being mad.

Ok, for those of you who were wondering when the anger wave was going to hit, it's here...I am allowed to get mad once in a while, right? Well, if not, too bad! I'm doing it anyway. During the last week or so, I have seen a few random thunderstorms of anger pop up in my mind. I realized that it's more real than I thought when I had two rants last night. So in the name of catharsis, here are the things that are just aggravating me. Please forgive the rant. And please note, if you are reading this blog, you are not likely one of the people who I am venting about. Those people as of the time of this post do not have access to the blog. 

• I'm mad that this is happening to me and I had no clue it was coming. I was just blindsided. I know that's how life changing events tend to manifest, but it just bugs me. I was thrown one of life's largest curveballs and I didn't even have a bat in my hand at the time. I've accepted it now, but it took a while.

• I'm furious that as I undergo this trial, I will not be able to be the mom I want to be to my son. I know he will be fine, and I know it's for the best that I plow on through the madness that is ahead, but it's just maddening. I have always loved that child, played with him, hugged him, carried him, snuggled with him. The fact that I know there will be times when I have to say, "No Steven, Mommy can't do that right now" infuriates me. I know in the long run it's for the best, but that doesn't mean it will hurt my heart any less to say it.

• I'm angry that my family hurts. I'm mad that my mom and dad have been feeling their own brand of fear, anger and sadness. It kills me that my brothers have felt helpless and scared at times. And it really breaks my heart that my beautiful nieces cried because of me. I know that in the end I will make them all proud, but I wish I could do that in a less daunting way. Couldn't I just have won a bake-off or ran a marathon or something less taxing? No? Crap.
  
  
• I am aggravated that random people think they have the right to make me second guess my choices. Choices that I have given a lot of thought to. Choices that they themselves cannot fathom what it is like to have to make. Choices that are the best for my health and my life. Choices that have nothing to do with them. And the kicker is, these people barely know me. If I want your opinion, I will ask for it. There are plenty of people who I have asked for their thoughts and insights because I wanted them. If you aren't one of them, kindly keep your mouth shut. How can they dare suggest that they have any clue what is best for me? I don't think you even could pick my family out of the crowd, how could you know what works for us? You have never taken the time to get to know me, what makes you the expert now?
  
  
• I am enraged that I have encountered people so stupid, so insensitive to think that it is in any way acceptable to make jokes about my health and treatment behind my back in a room full of people! First of all, are we in high school here or are we grown adults? In what world is that ok? Karma is a bitch and I hope that person never knows what it's like to stand in my shoes... Because I while I don't wish it on anyone, I also think that person will never see the kindness, support and love that I have seen while encountering something so devastating because he hasn't earned the respect and loyalty of others. This was never more evident when they all came to me to tell me what the bastard said. Listen, buddy, when you disrespect others in public, people will throw you right under the bus because they don't trust or respect you. Regardless, to that person I have this to say. "frig you and the horse you rode in on!" :-p
  
  
• I'm besides myself that the thought "I really don't want die" ever even crossed my mind. I know that I will beat this. There are so many odds in my favor, and I have the drive to push through this beast and win... But at first, the thought was there. and it scared me, and that really pi$$es me off. Granted, the good news is, I don't think that way anymore. In fact, just the opposite. I see a long future full of pretty amazing things.

• 
  
  
  

  I am ticked off that my husband has to endure this. He has dealt with enough crap in his life. I was supposed to be the good stuff for him. Now he has to go through this which might even been his hardest hurdle yet. But I am proud of him for handling it gracefully.
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  I'm annoyed that my life can never really go back to the way it was before. Even once we get through this, things are different. they just are. In some ways, I know they will be better, but I really was happy with our old life. I was good with the routine, uneventful, comfortable life. I guess no one gets off easy. Everyone has their cross to bear. I found mine on May 3rd, 2011.
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  I am frustrated that this illness still exists. I wish and pray for a future in this world where no one's inside turn to ice when they hear the words "you have cancer". That is a conversation that shakes you to your soul.
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  Oh and one more trivial thing. I am mad that the flip flops I bought at the outlets today are uncomfortable. dammit!
  
  
  p.s. i'm also really ticked that the bullets look weird on this page. when i am in edit mode, they look fine! 

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ok, I feel better. Your regularly scheduled rainbows and sunshine will return tomorrow.

what you can do for me

So many people are so kind and generous in offering their time and talents. As I have said, I absolutely appreciate every bit of it and I promise I will be tapping into many of you in the coming months. Sit tight! In the meantime, I thought of a few things that folks can do for me right now. Here goes.

 

First of all, spread the word of early detection. I am sure many of you are sick of hearing it... but, too bad! You are going to hear it a lot more! My plan is to be a walking commercial for the importance of early detection. I will share again that I found this myself... If I waited until my annual, my prognosis would have been worse. If you are not sure how to do a self-exam, google it. Come on... I know you have googled weirder things, like Charlie Sheen's craziness or the latest on the rapture madness. Do yourself a favor and google something positive and helpful for once.

 

I am sure that many of you have heard of the slogan of American Cancer Society that says they promote "more birthdays". Well, it's no secret that we Briamontes love a good party ... It's genetic. So my intention is to have a ridiculous amount of birthdays in the future. I hope to celebrate for years and years to come. After all, it's family tradition. I can't disappoint! So please, don't feel weird, tell people about my story so that someone else might have a shot at many more birthdays too!

 

Do at least one random act of kindness this week! I love seeing people smile. It's awesome. and some of the best smiles come from happy surprises. So, this week, I ask all of you to do something special and unexpected for someone. It can be something big or small. Here are some ideas:

• treat a co-worker to a cup of dunks;
• if you see a parked car with a bumper sticker that says "my son is a marine" or something similar, leave them a thank you note on their car (you can stick it under the windshield... won't they be doubly happy when they realize it's not a parking ticket?);
• reach out to that person who you keep thinking of but just haven't gotten around to calling and just say "hi, I have been thinking of you";
• if you have a garden, consider bringing flowers to a friend to brighten their day;
• bake some cookies and bring them to a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen (thinking of my awesome Delta Zeta little sister who runs the "baking for humanity" program around the holidays);

I found this website and think it's pretty cool.

http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/

My personal mantra has always been "if not me, then who? if not now, then when?" Please make it happen for me. I want to see more smiles. Cancer is a negative disease. I plan on fighting it with technology, and with putting more and more positive stuff out in the world. Ever heard the expression "kill 'em with kindness"? Well, how about we kill it with kindness. Take that cancer! :-p