don't live like you are dying, live like you are surviving

I need to learn how to live with cancer. I read a post recently by a fellow cancer patient that was tired of waiting for treatment to be over and decided to learn how to live in the meantime. I haven't quite figured that out yet. I am trying, but I don't know how successful I am being.

 

Today was an emotional day for me. This morning, I was pretty angry about the whole thing: about the fact that this is happening to me; about the fact that I generally tried to do things in moderation; generally tried to be healthy (even though I know I could have stood to lose a few pounds.); tried to cook healthful meals; never smoked; never drank excessively (I bet anyone who has seen me drunk could count on one hand how many times they have ever seen it). I'm just mad that this happened and I am super frustrated about the concept of not being able to do things. I can do them now, but I know in the coming months, I will be limited. That is awful!

 

So it's frustating to now be faced with something so scary. But I can't second guess everything I did. I will never quite know what physically caused me to have this. All I can do is get my head around beating this. I have to. It's not optional. 

 

Given that, here is what I am learning. First of all, there are some amazing women out there in celebrity-land who have survived this. Here's some that I learned of today: Nancy Reagan had it in the late 1980s, Rue Mcclanahan had it in th emid-90s, Sandra Day O'Connor had it, Shirley Temple Black, even two of Charlie's Angels successfully beat it (Jaclyn Smith and Kate Jackson - notably, they were the two angel's I pretended to be as a kid because they had brown hair! coincidence? I'm going with NO!), Edie Falco.

 

I couldn't believe about Nancy Reagan. Talk about living a long life after diagnosis. And Rue, she passed away years later and didn't die of cancer! I always loved the Golden Girls, one more reason to!

 

I want so badly to beat this. I realize that I need to do even more to take better care of myself. I read today several reports that indicate overweight and obese women with hormone receptor positive cancer have a harder time beating this statistically. I do not fall into the obese category, but yes I am overweight. For those of you who will try to tell me I am fine, while I appreciate the politeness, this is not a body image thing, this is a numbers thing. The fact is, I need to lose weight. It's just the reality of it.

 

I need to be healthier. I cannot control the fact that I have the disease, but I can control the fact that I am overweight which has a negative affect on things. I am going to work on that. For those of you who are sweet and will tell me I don't need to worry about that now, I have to say, I do have to worry about it. If not now, then when? It's part of my fight. I need and want to beat this, so if there are things that are in my control to get me there, I need to do them. God can't help those who do not help themselves!

 

I need to feel better. I need to live better. I am given a unique chance here. Some people don't get the opportunity like I am to really evaluate their lives with such urgency. I am given that blessing. I don't intend on squandering it. So, expect that I will find ways to make people walk with me. Expect that there will be more raw veggies and whole foods in my diet. I need to limit alcohol. I might just cut it out all together. Hey, Steve, check out the bright side, you get a permanent designated driver. Enjoy that!  Bottom line is, I might as well do what I can to stack the deck in my favor right

 

Don't enable me. It won't help. And as some of you know, my 2 year old can spot an enabler at 20 paces! Don't be "nice" and tell me to not worry. Be "nice" and let me do what I must. And feel free to join me. I have amazing people in my life. I intend on keeping them around to keep me company too.

 

Here is the medical schedule this week:

- pre-surgical marathon tomorrow. Meeting with each of my surgeons tomorrow at the hospital. Hoping to get the pre-admission testing done tomorrow too.

- appointment with my ear/nose/throat guy wednesday morning to make sure this inner ear/cold crap is done and won't interfere with my surgery.

 

Also, thank you for understanding that we aren't able to return every phone call and email. Please know it's very much appreciated, but sometimes, it takes us a while to get back to everyone. We are overwhelmed and doing the best we can. If we don't respond, it's not that we don't care, and it's not that there is some crisis. We are just doing the best we can.