Scan update

Wonderful news to share today! I just got the results of my scans and it shows that the cancer is responding to my treatment. No new cancer is detected, and the previous spots are either smaller or are stable.... All wonderful news. I will continue to participate in this study and with this regimen.


Thank you for the prayers and love! They all mean the world and are helping.

If you would be interested, there is a faith related post in conjunction with this one at http://nmalato2.blogspot.com

Reflecting....

The last eight weeks went fast. Maybe faster than I prefer. Today is my last chemo dose before scans will determine next steps. If the scans so no progression of disease, then I stick with the chemo protocol for another 8 weeks. If not, then plan b which I believe is on to an oral daily chemo drug. Of course, I know what I am hoping for.

Looking back, I have to admit, I was apprehensive about working full time through chemo, especially with busy season looming large. However, I did it! I impressed myself. It wasn't a perfect 8 weeks but I managed to get through it, and I am proud of that. Goes to show that advanced cancer isn't always as devastating in the near term as I would have thought. Granted, the next few days will tell me if I am getting the disease under control or not. Advanced cancer is always a scary threat, and scans, while they are helpful in the management, are the largest source of anxiety in the world. and I have to admit, it will royally piss me off if I lost my hair for nothing.

But I have done all I can do at this point and what will be will be. I just hope that it's time for a bit of good. We will have to wait and see.

The quest for health

Wouldn't it be awesome if we came with an instruction manual that had all the answers to keeping us healthy and living long? Unfortunately, no one has written the complete version of that. So what's a girl with a chronic illness to do? Truth is, there is no perfect answer to that. But my inner control freak isn't ok with that "sit back and do nothing" plan. 

It's rather funny that I never knew I was such a control freak before I lost control to cancer. I guess we always learn more about ourselves every day. Anywho, I digress. So what can I do about this cancer thing? Well, first off, I'm going the conventional medicine route. I took my third chemo treatment yesterday and am currently praying for sinus issues and nosebleeds as this will be an indication of which arm of the clinical study I am in. It feels good emotionally to be in treatment. It feels like I am doing something to fight these tumors back. 

But it's not enough. I have totally revamped my diet. I've been doing a lot of research and have tried to focus 80 percent of my diet around plant based, clean eating. It was weird at first but it's definitely feeling good. Aside from the chemo side effects I feel healthier. I feel leaner and stronger. That's kind of cool. My new favorite additikn to my day is my breakfast, I start each day off with a fruit and veggie smoothie. This morning was blue berries, black berries, apple, almonds, spinach, asparagus and kale with a dash of cinnamon. I'm hooked. I'm just short of a month into my smoothies and I love them! 

I am just hoping to help my body along. I am also focusing on keepingy stress levels down and relaxing my body. I do believe stress fueled my condition. Hurricane Sandy anyone? Something tells me it's no coincidence that my cancer professed aggressively after that craziness! So what am I doing there? I take time every day to relax, meditate and pray. Gotta heal that soul if I'm gonna heal the bod. I don't know if any of what I am doing is going to help my prognosis but it won't hurt. And in the meantime, it helps me to feel more well. And I guess that's the best anyone can ask for.

One more quick thing. I hope she doesn't mind me announcing it, but I'm so happy I want to shout it from the roof... Since I am afraid of heights this will do instead! Mom had her follow up and got the results this week! No sign of cancer!!! Halleluiah! Thank you God for answering our prayer!! Yippee! Please keep her well and blessed. Amen!

Happy birthday to me....

Today, I turn 36 years old. It's funny, for some reason, when people ask me how old I am, I often think of myself as 34. It's as though time stopped still for me when I got cancer. But as much as it seems that way, time marches on, and here we are, two years later. Life has gotten more complicated, but at 36 years old, I am every bit as blessed as I was two years ago... And perhaps in some ways, even more.

I am able to see the blessings in my life more clearly. I know now that even through adversity, I am still the same old me. I have seen hard times, and yet, I remain the same girl I always was. Maybe just a little stronger, but still as faithful and optimistic as I was before. That's not to say I don't have my angry or fearful moments, but it's to say that with a lot of work, I am able to rise above them and feel like me again. Challenges did not render me unrecognizable to myself.

I will get another chemo treatment today. When reading my chart last week, my nurse asked me if I wanted to schedule today's appointment for another day. I said no. While it's an odd choice, it's my birthday present to myself. Chemo is the gift that keeps on giving and it's the best chance I have to celebrate a boatload more birthdays. So I love myself enough to give me the gift of the fight. Happy birthday to me. I am worth the side effects!

The truth is, I remember being freaked out about getting older. The thought of being closer to 40 to 30 was once something that would have made me cringe. Rather, these days, I embrace each new age. Grateful to be here to see it, and to enjoy it. Don't fear getting older, folks. Instead, love every second of it because it means you are here and you can! That's my plan. I will savor every grey hair. I will celebrate every wrinkle. I will blow out every extra candle on the cake. Because I am here, and because I can.

Thank you God for my 36th birthday!

Love and light.

And I know just how to handle this...

A few years ago, the country girl in me heard a song that brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful and relatable to any girl who has faced any kind of challenge. At the time, the second verse rang true to me as I was continuing my climb up the corporate ladder to the job I wanted for so long.

Now, the last verse brings the tears to my eyes and a sob to my throat and reminds me to hold my head high and give it hell. Tomorrow starts chemo again. I had hoped that it would be a chapter in my life never to be revisited, but alas, not meant to be. God wants me to keep fighting, and so I shall. I will not let this define the light in my eyes... and I will fight like a girl...

cancer, you are a stubborn sonofabitch... but you just don't know how determined I am. You are about to find out. I am not a statistic. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. My pink gloves are on!

 If you feel like tearing up, here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V96r2046qjE


"Fight Like A Girl"

Little girl alone on the playground
Tired of gettin' teased and gettin' pushed around
Wishin' she was invisible to them
She ran home cryin', why do they hate me?
Her mama wiped her tears and said,
Baby, you're brave and you're beautiful

So hold your head high
Don't ever let them define
The light in your eyes
Love yourself, give em hell
You can take on this world
You just stand and be strong
And then fight like a girl

31, she was wheelin' and dealin'
Kept on hittin' that same glass ceiling
She was never gonna be one of the boys, no
She could of gave up on her ambitions
And spend the rest of her life just wishin'
Instead she listened to her mama's voice sayin'

So hold your head high
Don't ever let them define
The light in your eyes
Love yourself, give em hell
You can take on this world
You just stand and be strong
And then fight like a girl

Oh, with style and grace
Kick ass and take names

10 years of climbin' that ladder
All the money and power don't matter
When the doctor said, the cancer spread
She holds on tight to her husband and babies
And says, this is just another test God gave me
And I know just how to handle this

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it hell
I'll take on this world
Yes, I'll stand and be strong
No I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight like a girl

busy week

This week is a busy one for me. Today, I went to Hackensack to start the process for the enrollment in their clinical study. If I decide to go this route, it essentially will be Taxol chemo again with the possibility of Avastin which is under study for possible FDA indication in metastatic breast cancer. I did all the prep so that if I decide to go that route, the process is underway and treatment can begin soon. Needless to say, it was a LONG day, but I got through it. Thank you Donna for the company, moral support, and chuckles. Oh and for not letting me beat up the CT scan registration people.

Tomorrow is just a normal day in life for me. I work a full day. Not tests, no consults. Imagine that!

Thursday is where things get tricky. My consult with Sloan is at 4 in NYC. It's the big time! I am going to share Hackensack's thoughts with them and see what they have to say. Then I need to hunker down with Steven and think long and hard about what my next steps will be. Please understand that this is a really hard process for us. There is a possibility of switching oncologists this week. That's a very scary prospect for me.

Although we have struggled in our treatment success, I have developed a great relationship and very much respect my doctor. I actually was getting emotional at the thought of potentially leaving his practice. If it's what I need to do, then Steve and I will make that decision, and so be it. I will do whatever we decide is best. But it will be hard if leaving him is what we need to do.

Pray for me that I make the best decision for the best outcome for myself this week. Pray that I get clarity that I currently do not have.

balloons

There are times when I am weighed down under the seriousness and stress of my disease. It's a scary deal, knowing that my body is trying to attack itself. It is not pleasant to think of the treatment that lies ahead. Add that to normal every day stressors, and it gets overwhelming.

This week was one of those weeks for me. It was a tough one. Very emotional, very busy, very overwhelming. But then there were the balloons.

A tidal wave of pink ribbons and turtles on facebook from my sorority sisters, many of whom I haven't seen in about 15 years. A message of love and hope from 3 sisters who have repeatedly snuck up on me with happy surprises and support. The kind of best friends who can tell me what I need to hear, and keep my head on straight when I need them most. Random cards in the mail, or notes of support. Emails and flowers. A wonderful friend who is casting on with yarn to keep my head warm. Another sweet friend who is always on stand by with a joke when I need one. A silly son. Family who I can always count on for emotional support, help when I need it or to drive my sorry ass to my appointments. New and old friends who treat me like a normal person, not a cancer patient. A husband who has washed more dishes, and cooked more meals than I can count... And who gave me the good pizza, while he ate the burnt pieces.

Each one of these and more are balloons for my spirit. The more balloons I have, the higher my spirits. I need to keep my spirits up. The fight ahead is a long one. I expect the road will be bumpy. But I am lucky to have balloons to help me. I need them to keep me from falling down, and staying there.

I know chemo is coming. I know how demoralizing chemo feels. I just got my hair to where I want it to be, and it's going to be taken away from me again. But if that's the cost of the fight, so be it. I have balloons to lift me up. And for that, I am grateful.