ahhh hormones

Hormones: they're not just for adolescents anymore.

Yes, hormones... those funny little critters that mess you up throughout your life... They're baaaaaaacccckkkk!

When I was a teenager, and going through puberty, they made me cranky... And the kicker was, while I was going through that, my poor mom was going through menopause. Talk about fun times in my house!!!! I was estrogen rising, she was estrogen falling, and all I remember about it was dad coming to me one day and saying "For the love of God, can you do one thing for me? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be nice to your mother. I can't take the two of you!" I still laugh about that to this day.

Then I started dating, and my hormones scared the heck out of my parents. Just the fear of hormones taking over, and convincing me to do something not so smart kept them up many a nights. The good news is, I didn't do something stupid. Well, at least not "THAT" something stupid anyway.

Then hormones made my skin break out, and caused me ovarian problems...So it made me self-conscious and caused me severe pain. Joy!

Then hormones gave me PMS and cramps...Ok, so your usually girly stuff here, but I want to whine about it for the sake of all the women out there!

Then hormones made it not so easy to conceive my precious child...That was frustration like I have never known. I spent my whole life trying to avoid getting pregnant up until that time and found out, all that worrying was for nothing. Getting pregnant in my case was not as easy as I expected it to be. Who would have thunk....

Then hormones gave me post-partem anxiety...For someone who was around children my entire life, I was terrified in the early stages of my son's life. Add that with a colicky child, and you had one overtired, slightly dehydrated (from tears) mommy. Thank goodness for the support system I had, especially Jami, who at 10:30 at night got in the car when she got the text saying "He's been crying for 45 minutes, and now I am crying too!" Thanks Jame, owe you one!

Then I come to learn today that hormones were feeding my cancer tumors...That's it! I've had enough of that crap! I'm ready to kick those hormones to the curb!

So when the doc told me today that my cancer was estrogen receptor positive, and they were basically going to throw me head first into early menopause to stop these crazy things from growing, I can't lie. I was a little relieved. Maybe even slightly happy. Hormones have been nothing but a pain in my butt since I was 12! So you know what? I am not thrilled about the whole menopausal thing, but I will be done with that nonsense in a few years and I believe life will be grand!!! talk about a little freedom.... woohooooooo.

Now if I could only make tons of money and find a way for us to retire early too?

Here's the latest schedule updates folks:

• work tomorrow
• scan #1 thursday
• work on friday (also stup's 30th birthday!! old geezer!) 
• weekennnnddddd!!!!!! :-)

Thanks again to everyone for their love and support. I am overwhelmed and blessed! Please know if I don't get back to you quickly, it's not that I don't care or don't appreciate your reaching out. I just live in Grand Central Station now and it's hard to keep up. 

Strength, Faith, Hope, Love

Anyone who knows my family probably knows a few key details: we have a soft spot in our hearts for fire fighters, and we are genetically predisposed to br Springsteen fans. Here's what you might not know. After 9/11, Bruce released "The Rising", on which was a song called "into the fire" which was largely dedicated to NY bravest... Needless to say, this became an anthem for my brothers and I, being raised the children of one of Jersey City's bravest.

The particular lyric that was our mantra was:
"May your strength give us strength.
May your faith give us faith.
May your hope give us hope.
May your love give us love."

We had t-shirts made up for all of us for Father's Day that year with the simple words "Strength, faith, hope, love" in honor of our father. It was meant to be a tribute to his bravery. Funny thing is, I still have the shirt. I wore it today. It felt like the right thing to do, since those are the four big things on my end that will carry me through this craziness. That and some dam good doctors coupled with crazy technology.

I'm tired ... Mainly because I haven't been sleeping so well. And last night was particularly bad. It started with a dream that I was driving in the dark and was terrified I was going to crash. fun times. I was so worried about what they would say today. But it went really well. I have seen 3 surgeons so far. The wonderful news, I would be comfortable with going to any one of them.

The next few days will bring more tests and back to work for a little bit. My pathetic attempt at normalcy. Next week, I will meet with the plastic surgeon who will partner with my specialist.  I guess things will ramp up here fairly soon.

shut the h*ll up!

ok pardon the french in the header there, but before I went to sleep, I checked my horoscope. You will likely say something similar as you finish reading this post. Steve and I have this website we have been reading for years. While I am a catholic, and put my faith in God and the scriptures, I also get a kick out of this guy and his RIDICULOUS spot on scopes... Here's mine for this week. I kid you not!

"Though much is challenging you and there are plenty of things you could worry about, you are not about to become weighed down. It is more as if you are in the process of 'shedding a skin'. You are in the midst of metamorphosis. In the moment when a creature first emerges from a cocoon, it can feel useless. It is neither what it once was, nor is it fully what it is about to become. It feels lost, bemused, more as if something has been taken from it than something has been given to it. You may have a similar experience soon, but just wait till you spread your wings."




H-OOOOO-LY CRAAAAAPPPP Lol. 

nothing to fear but fear itself... or something

First of all, I cannot thank all of you my support group for the love, prayers, offers of food and child care, jokes, smiles, tears and more food. Guess what folks, my appetite is back... maybe that's not such a good thing. ;-)

Here's the deal. I am afraid. I can't lie. But I can't let fear defeat me. It's that whole "defeat is not an option" thing. Maybe I should join Charlie Sheen on tour... Although I don't think I want his brand of #winning!

For everyone who has yelled at me (there have been several of you) and told me it's ok to be weak some times and it's ok to cry, fear not. It happens. Just not all out in the open. I always remember my grandmother (get used to hearing about Mil folks! I am going to channel her a lot during this process) saying that people thought she didn't grieve, but no one knows what she does behind closed doors. I understood it then. I live it now.

I do cry. I do get mad. I do get terrified. I do shake. but I also pull myself together because I am stronger that this disease. I get tired of being strong sometimes. So I let the dam break, I let the  yuckiness flood out... and then like when the Nile would flood, I allow goodness to grow when the flood finally passes. (and by the way, if that didn't really happen with the Nile, don't tell me.  I might not have my facts straight, but you get the concept) It's like Easter, spring, and all things renewal. God knows what he's doing. I have always believed that. I still do. and I believe he has set me up for success here. It's just for me to charge at and make happen.

And one more thing... I used to think Mondays sucked... boy do I ever long for the mondays where my biggest nemesis was rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, and having to remember what to pack for lunch. This Monday means driving to North Jersey (go ahead... I know some of you are chuckling that I am yet again driving UP THE PARKWAY), to meet with people who are going to slice and dice me soon. How does one make that decision anyway? I know how to interview a good project manager or admin... I have no idea how to interview for one's scalpel skills. Thank God I have an expert who allows me to drag her with me to quiz doctors.

Here's the schedule folks because many are asking: 2 surgeons tomorrow. Genetic testing on tuesday (which helps determine the variety of the C, and therefore gives better insight on course of action.)... I believe there are more tests to come and more surgeons to meet before a decision is made. Then on to surgery. I will try to keep this updated so folks can stay "ABREAST" of the action. hehehehe... Forgive the pun... my sense of humor is in a odd way this week. Just ask the maker of the Mounds bar! Ok, I'll stop now. ;-)

Keep the prayers coming folks. I appreciate every bit of it.

Life happens

Despite the fact that I feel like I am living in a dream, life continues to go on. And I am grateful for that. I need to feel normal, even if it's for 10 minutes, or 3 hours. I need to reconnect with NBC (nicole before cancer). She was a cool chick. I miss her, but I catch glimpses of her now and then. She was pretty carefree, focused on everyone else, laughed and smiled a lot.

The first time I saw her was when my darling older cousin/big sister Donna dropped her cell phone in a toilet and was unable to contact the outside world. She was in a tizzy and frantically facebooking the outside world from a conference in Philly. If you know my Donna, you know why this made me smile. Life was still happening, and it was good.

Another time I saw her was tonight, spending time with the fabulous Baker women. It's impossible to feel sad when surrounded by such vibrant people! Celebrating Erin's upcoming birth was the break from "reality" that I needed. I needed to laugh, have a little wine, and just focus on something wonderful. I was initially hesitant as to whether or not my presence was appropriate at the shower. Like I would be a rain cloud hovering over something so sunny. But I went anyway, and I believe that it didn't rain. It's was very sunny (and pink) in that room tonight. and it was happy and good. And NBC definitely made an appearance.

I can't wait to see her again.

it's all about perspective

I'll tell you this... A cancer diagnosis is a ridiculous, yet highly effective weight loss plan. The lack of appetite and the miles of pacing do a body good. Lost 5 pounds in a week! Better than Weight Watchers and nutrisystem combined!

So here's the deal. It's all about how you look at things. I'm going to consider this my own "extreme makeover"... That's about it. A year from now, I will be a new me... a stronger and differently beautiful me.

cheers!

snow globes, minutes and such

Day one I felt like I was a little figurine standing in a little snow globe... and along came a crazy kid who shook the crap out of it. There I was standing stunned in the middle of it, with all this stuff flying around.

I watched it unfold at the center. I could see the concern in their faces as they scurried about, and made me their priority. They looked at me like a lost puppy dog. It was pathetic really. But it didn't seem real. I didn't want to believe it, but I knew... I just knew.  Part of me wasn't really sure what it was--- a bad dream perhaps, a really intense novel that I reading that stirred up my wild imagination... Nope. It was my new life. And it came out of no where. And I have no idea what to do with it. I guess I am figuring it out.

It's amazing how wild the range of emotions is. One minute, I feel like I can't function. One minute, I realize that I have much to be joyful about. One minute, I am scared out of my mind. One minute, I am pissed that it's me that gets this cross to carry. One minute, I feel blessed because I know everything leading up to this has prepared me for this fight. One minute, I feel like I am superwoman and am going to fix this for me and everyone else. One minute, I wish it would all go away. One minute, I believe that it will. One minute, I feel like my heart is breaking. One minute, it's bursting with love and pride that I have the most amazing support group, most loving husband, most beautiful family (which includes my friends) and most precious child. One minute, I know I have to fight like I have never fought. One minute, I am terrified. One minute, I am ready to knock it out of the park.

It's almost like the diagnosis should come with a multiple personality diagnosis as well. Maybe that's just the psych major in me talking. Why oh why didn't I take that class where they tell you how to cope with catastrophic news?