new post up under "all these things plus one"

Cancer specific post is up. check it out: http://nmalato.blogspot.com

:-)

I am here and that's what matters...

This one goes back under the category all these things plus  one, rather than stained glass because it’s predominantly about cancer. In the next two weeks, I enter the latest section of my diagnosis. My cancer world is carved up into 3 month chapters that will play out as time goes on. Every three months, they run scans and I get “re-staged”. I will never officially be allowed to come out of stage IV now, but I can potentially get to the ultimate goal of being “stage iv, ned… no evidence of disease” which means we have managed the detected cancer flare up, and I am currently stable. I don’t know if this round of scans will bring that, but certainly, it’s what I am praying for. I want to be medically stable. That would be good news of epic proportions for me. It means the next 3 month chapter of my life will be just a bit more hopefully, a bit more care free. Or, if I do not get my desired “NED”, I will find out what the next plan is. This will be the ongoing process of my life for the time being. But the fact that the scans and the treatments loom will not interfere with my life. I am here. I am not dead, nor do I plan on being so any time soon.

For now, here’s what I want to focus on. I am able to do what I want to do. There is so much of life for me to experience.  I might not be able to make major plans more than 3 months in advance, but that is ok. That keeps me more focused on the here and now which is not a bad thing. It helps me to enjoy living in the moment, something I often struggled to do. I am currently able to work up to my usual standard. I am able to be a mommy to my precious boy. I am able to be a wife to my beloved husband. I am able to be a sister, a daughter, and a friend. I am still me. I am not my cancer. That brings me to a new point. I am considering a new project: one that will bring hope to women in any stage of the disease. I have bounced it off a few people, and I really think that this is something the world needs. More hope for women who have cancer, including those with metastatic cancer. My purpose here is to help others feel stronger and more empowered. I believe I can make a difference for women who need it. If you are a breast cancer survivor (and yes this includes women in active treatment),  and are interested in learning more about the project  please reach out to me. If you don’t have my contact information, you can message me through my book’s fb page: “when life hands you pink lemons”.

In the coming weeks, please keep me and mom in your prayers. Mom has her regular followup. I have scans. Both are anxiety-inducing. Pray for our serenity, and pray for good news. We greatly appreciate it. I do believe God is listening.

Stained Glass

I have created a second blog that focuses on things other than breast cancer. Please feel free to read and comment

http://nmalato2.blogspot.com/

Roid rage!!! Ahhhhhh

Ok, not quite... More like Roid restlessness. With radiation came a daily dose of steroids to keep the inflammation at bay since the spot of cancer is so small. As I learned last year, decadron is the anti-sleep medicine. I'm so bored. It's 2:46 and I have been up for two hours...I wish I knew were my crocheting stuff is at. Maybe I should run to walgreens and get the pink hair spray I want for Halloween. They are open 24 hours. Nah, only the weirdos go out this late.

Seriously, why do people do steroids in purpose?

Well, tomorrow should be a fun day at work. Hopefully the GES peeps keep the drama to a minimum.

Me and the beam

Today was radiation #1 of 5. It felt like a family reunion. I had grown to love the people who work at Dr. Sim’s office.  I saw them every day for 6 weeks when I went through this crap last time. We got to chat and know each other. When I went in for my consult this time, they were happy, yet sad to see me. Happy because I think they found me to be a fun patient, sad because they knew why I was there. One funny point was the fact that when they came out looking for me, they all had to do a double take because they didn’t recognize me. Not one of them had ever seen me with hair!

Perhaps one day, I will visit them with no evidence of disease and just be able to say hi. How wonderful it would be to not have to have them do anything to me.

Today, as I walked back in to start my treatment, it felt strangely comforting. It almost felt like I was coming back home. Even being in the treatment machine felt comforting. I assume there are a few reasons for this. First, my memories of treatment there are positive because the people were so wonderful to me. One of my techs was the first person to see me after I learned Mom was diagnosed, so she hugged me while I cried. They celebrated with me when I finished my treatment. Second, there is always an empowering feeling when I am doing something proactive to fight cancer back. It makes me happy to be doing something to combat it. A coworker of mine was laughing at me because she noticed how happy I was today. It’s all because I have a need to feel like I am doing something to fix this crap.

And so treatment 1 is over… I like to believe that I have slightly less cancer in my body now than I did when I woke up this morning.

Prayers are always appreciated. I would ask that God continue to show me mercy and allow the cancer to melt away.

So we meet again cancer...

A month ago, my greatest fear became a reality. The cancer was back. It took up residence in the form of a small spot on my spine. I am not going to lie. That fact really pisses me off. This stupid disease doesn’t deserve a second chance, but it got one anyway. Well, that makes me a “chronic cancer patient”. Such crap! Oh well. Now I just have to deal. The good news is, I get access to medication that I wanted but wasn’t qualified to have previously. It also means that I get scanned every three months for the rest of eternity. The good news there is that should some sneaky little cells try to stir up trouble somewhere else, we should be able to nip them in the bud quickly. This is not where I wanted my life to go, but I don’t get to choose my path. I just choose what I do along the journey.

Being me, of course, I decided that I just would have to work on a second book. It’s already in the works… But it will take time for me to write as I have just dipped my toe into the stage 4 pool, and have much more to learn and experience before I have enough worth sharing.

I think I have accepted this new development. With the help of Big Pharma, I am able to manage the anxiety reasonably well, and am starting to enjoy my world again. So here’s how I am choosing to look at this. I have many, many blessing in my life. At this point, I have only one curse. That stupid little tumor hanging out on the L2 of my spine. I don’t think that the squeaky wheel should get all the attention. So rather than focus on the 1 centimeter of crap hanging out in my body, I am going to focus on the other 5’ 3+” inches of me. I realize that cancer is going to tag along for the rest of the ride… But that doesn’t mean it gets to sit in the front seat. I’m still sitting behind the wheel. I have decided to let the doctors can work on and manage the cancer. I will work on enjoying the blessings in my life, and keeping the rest of my body healthy.

I'm back!

...Back in the writing groove!

So the book was finally published... I could not be anymore proud of it. It's honest and it reflects the gamut of early stage breast cancer: the fearful and the funny. To me, it is a work of beauty, a butterfly's tail, and the labor of love. Initial reactions were what I had hoped. People are finding it gives them a true look into the life of breast cancer. That was the goal.

If you would like to purchase the book, it is available at the link below. There is also a kindle version for all you techies out there.
https://www.createspace.com/4015056
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=nicole+malato


I also am honored to be Coping with Cancer Magazine's survivor of the week. I wrote this article in honor of a dear sister survivor who always seeks opportunities to do new things in life, simply because she is here and she can. She inspires me.
http://copingmag.com/cwc/

Despite the bumps in the road, I strive to keep my head up. My blessings out weigh my challenges. My joy outweighs my sorrow. I am blessed.

Stay tuned as there will be more posts in the coming weeks. Thank you for all of the love, support and prayers. I always need them. Theys sustain me.