Me and the beam

Today was radiation #1 of 5. It felt like a family reunion. I had grown to love the people who work at Dr. Sim’s office.  I saw them every day for 6 weeks when I went through this crap last time. We got to chat and know each other. When I went in for my consult this time, they were happy, yet sad to see me. Happy because I think they found me to be a fun patient, sad because they knew why I was there. One funny point was the fact that when they came out looking for me, they all had to do a double take because they didn’t recognize me. Not one of them had ever seen me with hair!

Perhaps one day, I will visit them with no evidence of disease and just be able to say hi. How wonderful it would be to not have to have them do anything to me.

Today, as I walked back in to start my treatment, it felt strangely comforting. It almost felt like I was coming back home. Even being in the treatment machine felt comforting. I assume there are a few reasons for this. First, my memories of treatment there are positive because the people were so wonderful to me. One of my techs was the first person to see me after I learned Mom was diagnosed, so she hugged me while I cried. They celebrated with me when I finished my treatment. Second, there is always an empowering feeling when I am doing something proactive to fight cancer back. It makes me happy to be doing something to combat it. A coworker of mine was laughing at me because she noticed how happy I was today. It’s all because I have a need to feel like I am doing something to fix this crap.

And so treatment 1 is over… I like to believe that I have slightly less cancer in my body now than I did when I woke up this morning.

Prayers are always appreciated. I would ask that God continue to show me mercy and allow the cancer to melt away.

So we meet again cancer...

A month ago, my greatest fear became a reality. The cancer was back. It took up residence in the form of a small spot on my spine. I am not going to lie. That fact really pisses me off. This stupid disease doesn’t deserve a second chance, but it got one anyway. Well, that makes me a “chronic cancer patient”. Such crap! Oh well. Now I just have to deal. The good news is, I get access to medication that I wanted but wasn’t qualified to have previously. It also means that I get scanned every three months for the rest of eternity. The good news there is that should some sneaky little cells try to stir up trouble somewhere else, we should be able to nip them in the bud quickly. This is not where I wanted my life to go, but I don’t get to choose my path. I just choose what I do along the journey.

Being me, of course, I decided that I just would have to work on a second book. It’s already in the works… But it will take time for me to write as I have just dipped my toe into the stage 4 pool, and have much more to learn and experience before I have enough worth sharing.

I think I have accepted this new development. With the help of Big Pharma, I am able to manage the anxiety reasonably well, and am starting to enjoy my world again. So here’s how I am choosing to look at this. I have many, many blessing in my life. At this point, I have only one curse. That stupid little tumor hanging out on the L2 of my spine. I don’t think that the squeaky wheel should get all the attention. So rather than focus on the 1 centimeter of crap hanging out in my body, I am going to focus on the other 5’ 3+” inches of me. I realize that cancer is going to tag along for the rest of the ride… But that doesn’t mean it gets to sit in the front seat. I’m still sitting behind the wheel. I have decided to let the doctors can work on and manage the cancer. I will work on enjoying the blessings in my life, and keeping the rest of my body healthy.

I'm back!

...Back in the writing groove!

So the book was finally published... I could not be anymore proud of it. It's honest and it reflects the gamut of early stage breast cancer: the fearful and the funny. To me, it is a work of beauty, a butterfly's tail, and the labor of love. Initial reactions were what I had hoped. People are finding it gives them a true look into the life of breast cancer. That was the goal.

If you would like to purchase the book, it is available at the link below. There is also a kindle version for all you techies out there.
https://www.createspace.com/4015056
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=nicole+malato


I also am honored to be Coping with Cancer Magazine's survivor of the week. I wrote this article in honor of a dear sister survivor who always seeks opportunities to do new things in life, simply because she is here and she can. She inspires me.
http://copingmag.com/cwc/

Despite the bumps in the road, I strive to keep my head up. My blessings out weigh my challenges. My joy outweighs my sorrow. I am blessed.

Stay tuned as there will be more posts in the coming weeks. Thank you for all of the love, support and prayers. I always need them. Theys sustain me.

Oh happy day, and the journey continues.

 Today mom finished her treatment! What a wonderful, wonderful milestone. Two of us have managed to get through some pretty intense stuff, and for that I am incredibly proud! 3 surgeries, 24 chemo infusions, 12 neulasta shots, and 43 doses of radiation to date.

  

Of course, we are learning that as wonderful as it is, the journey doesn’t end the last day of treatment. There were some abnormalities in my most recent bloodwork. While these abnormalities can be caused by other things, nothing strikes fear in the heart of a cancer survivor than hearing something isn’t normal. So I am going to have scans in the near future. We are waiting on the results of some blood work to see where if my kidney infection has cleared up, and then we will go from there.

I know the blog gets a lot more traffic than it used to, (which is actually a good thing because it means things have been calm of late) but I will gladly welcome prayers from anyone who has them. Specifically, that today concludes the end of active treatment for both of us, and that the upcoming scans bring good news.

Words...

It has been a while since I have written a post. Althought truth be told, my writing has continued during a seemingly black out period, just in a different medium (or two). The well of words has yet to run dry, so I needed to find a new vessel to hold them. That's not to say that blogging hasn't been a wonderful experience. By all means, it has. But I wanted to do more.

In the last few months, I have gotten several projects under way. They are all now in varying stages. The first, which is complete and will be published in Copin with Cancer magazine in a few months is an article called "a cancer survivor can..." The second is the spawn of the early stages of this blog: pink lemonade which is a book about my experience with breast cancer and tips for future survivors. The third came as a result of much encouragement from several people. It's a collection of devotionals. If you are not familiar with that format, it's a faith focused style of writing that takes bible verses and reflects on how to apply them in everyday life. It has been a particularly exciting project for me. And last but not least, is a one-act play called "family history". The first draft of that is complete and is in the capable hands of my discerning editor, also known as my big brother Frank. With any luck, we may just be fortunate enough to see my words brought to life in Chatham next summer. Fingers crossed that the selection committee deems it worthy!

So let's recap: 1 article, 2 books currently totally about 95 pages worth, and a one-act play.

Certainly is a lot of words huh? Poor Steve, sadly for him, my writing doesn't mean I am any less chatty.

Robin Roberts

I had the tv on in the background today, and Robin Roberts graced the screen. Just a few days after going public with the news that she is now facing pre-leukemia as a complication from her breast cancer treatment, she is nothing short of vibrant! If you didn't know her story, you would never know what she was facing. She simply is amazing and inspirational. I pray that God gives her what she needs to beat cancer again!

When Mary J Blige complimented her on being a pillar of strength, she brushed it off and said "hey like my mom says, everyone has something they have to deal with" and she continued on. She was smiling and energetic... That shows the strength and grace that we all wish we could have. I imagine she must have such internal struggles. She spoke about the fear and emotions earlier in the week, and then spoke of faith and gratitude! She's got exactly the attitude I aspire to.

Robin, please keep being amazing. You have no idea how awesome you are to someone one like me. I will keep you in my prayers. The world needs more positive role models like you! Thank you for sharing your story.

A survivor can...

A year ago at this moment, I was settling into my new life. The cancer had been removed, and I was adjusting to my changed body, newly released from the hospital post surgery. Seems appropriate to reflect on a change in my mentality since that time.

I remember thinking when I was diagnosed with cancer that my life was irrevokably changed. I was right. But not in ways that I would have expected. My future felt limited. In time, I understood that it wasn't. I thought that being a cancer survivor was something to be afraid of or sad about. Rather I realized it was something to be proud of. I learned early on in my survivorship that there is indeed hope in cancer: hope for a cure, and hope for making the world a better place.

I was curious to learn what cancer survivors can do, so I did a little research. Here's is what I found out. A cancer survivor can become a professional athlete. A survivor can make their dreams into a reality. They can run marathons and win races. Cancer survivors can hold political offices. Cancer survivors can climb Mount Everest. They can hike the Grand Canyon, jump out of planes and go ziplining. They can compete in the Olympics. They go on to have families. A cancer survivor can earn a degree or shape young minds. Cancer survivors can win Grammys, Oscars, and Emmys. They can write New York Times best sellers. They win Nobel prizes. A cancer survivor can serve on the US Supreme Court. A survivor can beat cancer more than once. A survivor can treat and cure other survivors. They can run into burning buildings and save lives. They can run Fortune 500 companies, and invent technology that changes lives. They can help others. They can spread awareness. A cancer survivor can raise millions for a cure or touch the life of just one other person.

A cancer survivor can find meaning and beauty even in dark times.

A cancer survivor can go on to live a more fullfilling life than perhaps if they were never diagnosed.

A cancer survivor can (and often does) make a difference in this world.