We are given life...

"We are not given a good life or a bad life. We are given life. And it's up to ...you to make it good or bad." - Ward Foley
 
I saw this quote today. I cannot agree more. We all encounter crap in life. That's a given. But we have a choice in how we interpret that crap. You might see a someone who has a smile on their face, and you might assume that they have the best life, but the truth might be, they are just making the best of the life they are given.

You can have cancer, or some other struggle in life, but you can still be happy. You have to choose to integrate things into your life to offset your challenges. It takes an effort, but it's worth it.

Better and Better

I'm a little delayed in writing this post because I was exhausted from the little man's birthday festivities over the weekend. Yesterday was Grandma Carrie's birthday. Her legacy still lives strong in her family. We are a large, close knit family. We are not perfect, but we love one another and are there for each other. We are taught at a young age to think positively, and that mentality becomes part of who we are.

My grandmother was a tough lady, but kind as could be. She stood up for what her heart told her, stood by her man for more than 60 years of marriage, and stood up for her faith. When she was younger, she walked daily, and prayed daily. She had the most wonderful laugh, and if you watch closely for it, you can still see that laugh in my father and my aunt today.

She was incredibly loyal. If you asked her, she would tell you she married her first boyfriend. She and Grandpa started dating when she was 14. I was blessed to be there when she died, and saw Grandpa's heartache as he realized what had happened. She was 89, and he was there with her every day since they started going out. Now that's love and commitment. For those of you who know the story, "he appreciated" her.

She was strong. After Uncle Bill died, I know it was hard for her to press forward, but she did. She didn't let her heartache stop her. She learned to smile again. And life did get better, perhaps because she willed it so.

She also made her health a priority. Knowing that she had dangerously high blood pressure, she did whatever she could to help keep herself healthy. She was incredibly diligent about her sodium intake, and excercised daily right up into her 80s. She took responsiblity for herself, and was determined not to let her own actions cause her ill health.

The hallmarks of being Carrie's granddaughter are these: strong faith, positive thinking, the importance of family, loyalty, standing up for what is important to you, being responsible for your own health.

This morning, I made it a point to start a new healthy habit. I was up at 6 am and hit the gym. I continue to learn from the examples of those around me. Excercise and diet are statistically linked in reducing recurrance risk. I can't predict the future, and I don't know what will happen with cancer in my body. All I know is I will do whatever I can on my part to keep it at bay. Here's to working towards a healthier future. Here's to life getting "better and better."

Celebrating "lasts"

It has been a pretty unique and special feeling knowing that I am in the last round of chemo. There are so many things that I am bidding adieu to these days. That feels amazing, and actually a bit surreal. This past Friday was 6 months from the day I got the news and my world changed. It seems extra special then that it was also the last hurrah for chemo.

When they unhooked me from my infusion last week, it was a wonderful feeling. With each day that passes, I get further from my 22 guage needles, paper tape, and bags of iv's. I get further from my side effects and fatigue. Hopefully, I get further from my fear.

I am happy to say that I no longer will have the super fatigue days known as "chemo sundays". I am so happy that I will no longer feel winded doing the most minor tasks. I am looking forward to finishing up the joint pain. I am so happy to have a normal stomach again. I am so happy to be looking forward to a bright future, and to no longer have to count down anything. To know that each side effect is only bubbling up for the last time is truly amazing. I think the most special feeling will be in two weeks when it's the first "non-chemo" weekend. Life will feel grand then.

Yesterday, we celebrated Steven's birthday with our family and friends. It reminded me of how blessed I am. I have a wonderful support group, and I am excited to be heading in a healthy direction to be able to enjoy life's celebrations with all of them.

I feel like I missed so much in the past 6 months, but I know that what I have gained is infinitely greater. I know that this chapter was a dark one in many ways, but also a rich one, full of opportunity.

Now it's time to look forward. Time to focus on rebuilding my future, and my life. Time to reclaim my body that has been on loan to science for a nasty experiment for the past 6 months. Time to start feeling like me again. And time to do my best to ensure that my body and mind are strong for a long, healthy future.

my rasion d'etre...

At 6 am, I heard this little voice calling from his room, "mommy!" I went in to see him, and told him it was too early to get up and that he had to go back to bed. He asked me if I would sit in the rocking chair with him. How could I say no to that? I sat in the chair, and he climbed up on my lap. He put his arm around me and snuggled his perfect little face into my shoulder.

As he drifted back to sleep in my arms, I couldn't help but know that there is no other option but for me to never go through this again. Even though I am winding down on chemo, the war is far from over. I still have radiation and tamoxifen ahead. And I need to change my lifestyle. I have already started making changes, but I need to do much more. I need to lose a significant amount of weight. I need to eat more naturally. I need to exercise regularly. I know none of these things will guarantee anything, but statistically speaking, the risks of recurrance are so much lower when lifestyle changes like these are adopted.

As I held that sweet boy in my arms and rocked him peacefully in that chair, I knew that I have to live for him. I need be here when we don't both fit in that rocking chair anymore. I need to be here when "mommy" turns into "ma!" I need to be here to worry when he gets his first girlfriend that I raised him right. I need to be here to cry the tears of pride when he wears that mortarboard on his head at the college of his choice. I need to be here to be the second woman to have a dance with him on his wedding day. I need to be here to see that the little boy I am nurturing now will be an amazing man. He has a life to live and I need to be a part of it. It's not an option for me to miss it.

There is a long road of choices ahead of me and I pray I make all the right ones. I don't want to survive for me. I want to do it for him.

I love november!

Truth be told, November has always been a busy month of celebrations for me. 2011 will be extra special.

It starts off with brother and sister-in-law's anniversary and the birthday of my wonderful friend Jen who has been in my life since the day I was born. Then, my beautiful cousin Carianne's birthday. Then, my most precious little boy's birthday. Then, my Grandma Carrie's birthday which I know she is celebrating in heaven with Grandpa, Big Bill, Uncle Bill and Uncle Mike. Then comes the birthday of my lovely cousin Alison. Then comes our anniversary (which will have extra special meaning this year), which also happens to be the birthday of a very special man (Mr. Woodhull) and the anniversary of two of my favorite people on this planet. Then, we move on to my beautiful Goddaughter Anna's birthday and the very next day is my big brother Chris's birthday. Then my parent's anniversary (the two most amazing, wonderful parents in the world. I hope they know how blessed I feel that they were in my corner since I got sick). That's followed by the very first anniversary of my wonderful cousins Jami and Billy, whom I could not have survived these past 5 months without. Then it's time for some turkey, stuffing and a brutal football game in Holmdel. WHEW!

So YEAH. lots to celebrate... And add to the mix that I am now done with chemo, and what more could a girl want? (oh maybe just a few good scans from the doc...) Certainly, I have much to be thankful for.

With chemo behind me, I have so much to look forward to. I think it will hit me two weeks from now when it's the first time I won't have to go to an infusion! How wonderful that will be. Ahhhhh.

And since I know chemo brain stories are always good for a laugh, here's one for you. Last night, I was up late working on the book. In my attention deficit mode, I clicked over to NJ.com, and went to print off my article that was published there so I could have a copy. I hit print, and forget about it. I go back to writing. Mind you, this is occuring at about 1 in the morning Suddenly, I hear this ruckus out in the middle of the house. I panic. Steve was snoring in bed (like most normal people do at that hour). I sneak out into the hallway to see if I really did hear something, and I hear it again. My heart nearly stopped thinking there was someone lurking in our family room. I went to turn and run back into the bedroom, until I realize that the noise was the printer... Oh what is wrong with me?

Last chemo today! Talking about learnings.

I found a quote from a surprising source that sums up the theme of this post, "If you are going to go through hell, I suggest you come back learning something" ~Drew Barrymore

Not sure if it was hell or purgatory, but the last few months certainly have been rough. However, I do believe I am coming out of it for the better.  I have shed some things in the process, but I have gained more than I lost. Here is what I have learned:

• Be your own health advocate. Doctors have your best interests in mind, but they don't necessarily know what is best for you. If something doesn't seem right, you should speak up. If you aren't getting the attention you think you deserve, say something or seek someone who will give you that attention. You do deserve it, and there is no reason to settle for less than you deserve.
• Kids are more resilient than you expect. My son handled my illness with a surprising compassion and remained fairly unphased by my illness throughout.
• Kindness often comes from unexpected sources. While the ones closest to me were naturally wonderful and supportive, some of my greatest boosts came out of the blue from long lost friends or family, coworkers, and acquaintances. Many of these people exhibited such kindness that it warmed my heart.
• I am blessed with the most amazing parents, husband, family and friends in the world. Seriously, the whole world.
• Keeping emotions in is just not healthy. It's no less dangerous than leaving a tumor in. Venting it out and facing the feelings are the only way to successfully move past them.
• People cope with trauma differently. In my case, I choose to be open and share what I have experienced, the good, the bad, the ugly. I am finding it helps others, and that in turn helps me. But I realize my approach isn't for everyone.
• I am one tough broad.
• I have always lived by the mantra of "if not me, then who? if not now, then when?" I continued this philosphy through my cancer treatment, and find that it serves my soul well.
• Fear is an amazing motivator. It used to be an obstacle, now, it's a great catalyst.
• I am not defined by my physical appearance, I am defined by my heart and a soul.
• There are stupid people in this world. They may say stupid things. I'm pretty sure there is a special brand of karma that handles people who pick on cancer patients.
• After fighting a diagnosis like mine, you realize how much you can accomplish, and that everyone has the ability to make a difference. It's all a matter of putting yourself out there and making an impact in this world.
• Survivors are an amazing breed. There is something so special about someone who has faced this beast and come out victorious.
• Laugh as much as you can! It's a massage for the soul. 
• Treatment can be so daunting in the beginning. To be truthful, there were times along the way that I wasn't sure how I could endure. But endure I did, and nothing made me happier than seeing the words "infusion complete" on my iv machine today! Donna and I both cried. 
• If you are thinking something of saying something kind or encouraging to someone, do so. It will make them feel good. Trust me. There's the old adage, if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. I suggest the flip side: if you have something nice to say, open your mouth and let it out. 

Oddly enough, just as my infusion completed today, positive outlook on Facebook posted this quote: "That even tears shed in times of tribulations they bring a gift of strength in later years". A sign? I don't know, but I will take it. 

Going into this chemo like all others, with a prayer.

I am asking for an extra special prayer tonight. Please pray that tomorrow goes well, and that it is the very last chemo that I ever need. Pray that God heals me and that I am restored to health and that I live a long life from this point on.

I cannot believe it's finally here! I am so relieved. I am ready to close this chapter of my life. It's been an interesting experience to say the least. One that I have gained much from, but one I hope to never have to repeat.

I know that this has come into my life for many reasons, and I do believe that it will not be for naught. So I am grateful for the woman this has made me. I don't regret the choices I have made to respond to this challenge in my life. But I do want to leave this whole beast in my past.

I can only imagine how I will feel in 24 hours. I believe it will be just such a heavy weight lifted to know that I will finally be "infused for the last time.

I have high hopes for tomorrow. November 2 is a very blessed day in my family. On November 2 more than 50 years ago, Aunt Bern and Uncle Tom met for the very first time, starting a life long love that would inspire even to this day.  Then 22 years ago, my beautiful "baby" cousin Carianne was born, and the world became a brighter place. So I can only figure that is a good sign. Good things come our way on November 2nd. I can only believe that this year is no exception.