Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Roid rage!!! Ahhhhhh

Ok, not quite... More like Roid restlessness. With radiation came a daily dose of steroids to keep the inflammation at bay since the spot of cancer is so small. As I learned last year, decadron is the anti-sleep medicine. I'm so bored. It's 2:46 and I have been up for two hours...I wish I knew were my crocheting stuff is at. Maybe I should run to walgreens and get the pink hair spray I want for Halloween. They are open 24 hours. Nah, only the weirdos go out this late.

Seriously, why do people do steroids in purpose?

Well, tomorrow should be a fun day at work. Hopefully the GES peeps keep the drama to a minimum.

Me and the beam

Today was radiation #1 of 5. It felt like a family reunion. I had grown to love the people who work at Dr. Sim’s office.  I saw them every day for 6 weeks when I went through this crap last time. We got to chat and know each other. When I went in for my consult this time, they were happy, yet sad to see me. Happy because I think they found me to be a fun patient, sad because they knew why I was there. One funny point was the fact that when they came out looking for me, they all had to do a double take because they didn’t recognize me. Not one of them had ever seen me with hair!
Perhaps one day, I will visit them with no evidence of disease and just be able to say hi. How wonderful it would be to not have to have them do anything to me.
Today, as I walked back in to start my treatment, it felt strangely comforting. It almost felt like I was coming back home. Even being in the treatment machine felt comforting. I assume there are a few reasons for this. First, my memories of treatment there are positive because the people were so wonderful to me. One of my techs was the first person to see me after I learned Mom was diagnosed, so she hugged me while I cried. They celebrated with me when I finished my treatment. Second, there is always an empowering feeling when I am doing something proactive to fight cancer back. It makes me happy to be doing something to combat it. A coworker of mine was laughing at me because she noticed how happy I was today. It’s all because I have a need to feel like I am doing something to fix this crap.
And so treatment 1 is over… I like to believe that I have slightly less cancer in my body now than I did when I woke up this morning.
Prayers are always appreciated. I would ask that God continue to show me mercy and allow the cancer to melt away.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

So we meet again cancer...

A month ago, my greatest fear became a reality. The cancer was back. It took up residence in the form of a small spot on my spine. I am not going to lie. That fact really pisses me off. This stupid disease doesn’t deserve a second chance, but it got one anyway. Well, that makes me a “chronic cancer patient”. Such crap! Oh well. Now I just have to deal. The good news is, I get access to medication that I wanted but wasn’t qualified to have previously. It also means that I get scanned every three months for the rest of eternity. The good news there is that should some sneaky little cells try to stir up trouble somewhere else, we should be able to nip them in the bud quickly. This is not where I wanted my life to go, but I don’t get to choose my path. I just choose what I do along the journey.

Being me, of course, I decided that I just would have to work on a second book. It’s already in the works… But it will take time for me to write as I have just dipped my toe into the stage 4 pool, and have much more to learn and experience before I have enough worth sharing.

I think I have accepted this new development. With the help of Big Pharma, I am able to manage the anxiety reasonably well, and am starting to enjoy my world again. So here’s how I am choosing to look at this. I have many, many blessing in my life. At this point, I have only one curse. That stupid little tumor hanging out on the L2 of my spine. I don’t think that the squeaky wheel should get all the attention. So rather than focus on the 1 centimeter of crap hanging out in my body, I am going to focus on the other 5’ 3+” inches of me. I realize that cancer is going to tag along for the rest of the ride… But that doesn’t mean it gets to sit in the front seat. I’m still sitting behind the wheel. I have decided to let the doctors can work on and manage the cancer. I will work on enjoying the blessings in my life, and keeping the rest of my body healthy.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I'm back!

...Back in the writing groove!

So the book was finally published... I could not be anymore proud of it. It's honest and it reflects the gamut of early stage breast cancer: the fearful and the funny. To me, it is a work of beauty, a butterfly's tail, and the labor of love. Initial reactions were what I had hoped. People are finding it gives them a true look into the life of breast cancer. That was the goal.

If you would like to purchase the book, it is available at the link below. There is also a kindle version for all you techies out there.

I also am honored to be Coping with Cancer Magazine's survivor of the week. I wrote this article in honor of a dear sister survivor who always seeks opportunities to do new things in life, simply because she is here and she can. She inspires me.

Despite the bumps in the road, I strive to keep my head up. My blessings out weigh my challenges. My joy outweighs my sorrow. I am blessed.

Stay tuned as there will be more posts in the coming weeks. Thank you for all of the love, support and prayers. I always need them. Theys sustain me.